Wednesday, May 31

Savers Is Sexy

The Beautiful

One of Melbourne's finest bargain shops, and it took me over a year to patronise it.

I'd swung by the Sydney Road branch of Savers this arvo (that's afternoon for you non-Aussie folks out there) and nearly went potty buying good things that come in low prices.

Here's a list of what i bought:

1) 4 funky designed soup bowls - they went at 30 cents each!
2) 2 teacups and saucers
3) 3 beautiful ties
4) a jacket
5) a skirt
6) a sleeveless top
7) a short sleved shirt

And all this for a whopping A$48!

I still can't believe it! I've waited so long to shop at Savers! I must be the most dim-witted man on the planet!

Kew Down, It's Just Sex

The Outrageous

A huge furore over an advertising billboard has erupted in the prestigious inner eastern Melbourne suburb of Kew.

My opinion? What's the big fuss all about anyway?

Condoms are 'tastefully' positioned at checkouts to remind customers to wear their Trojans. Companies spend million of dollars reminding women to keep their vaginas in decent and sanitary conditions. Sex for hire ads are 'discreetly' located at the back end of magazines.

Let's face it. Sex, or the art of reminding you of it, is everywhere.

There's nothing we can do to stop it or lessen the impact. Everybody needs to have sex, sex is beautiful. If people can't even laugh at a tastefully done sex ad no more, how are they able to laugh at themselves when they come in 3 minutes?

Monday, May 29

Hot White Man

The Beautiful

So i'm sitting in Starbucks along Swanston Street.

A good looking white guy, maybe late twenties gets my attention. It's obvious he isn't from Australia - aussie blokes (popped collars) and girls (tight jeans and belt) all look and dress the same - which piqued my interest.

He says he's from LA and new to town and was wondering if i knew any cool places to go out. He's actually nice, physically fit, and strikes me as a nice guy. Good pick-up - the conversation is friendly, and even though i'm not really keeping up my end of it, he keeps it going for a little bit without being pushy at all.

Come to think of it, i'm kind of disappointed that i didn't reciprocate his come ons.

Final Nail In Footy's Coffin

The Beautiful

Perhaps Australians should wake up from the dream that is their idea of 'football'; if they can't take a hint from me they
ought to take it from the Socceroos coach Guus Hiddink.

"I think [soccer] in Australia has become so big now, although you try all kinds of sports with another-shaped object. I don't really know what it is, and you do something like that," he said, grimacing and making a handball gesture.

"The real game is growing and growing, all the world is playing this game and it will be the biggest game here as well, despite the other games you try and invent."

Good one Guus. Best quote ever. Australians need to open their bloody eyes and stop insulating themselves from their 'football'. Pah.

Sunday, May 28

Louis Vuitton - Fashion Disaster

The Outrageous

At 3.43am this morning, all Professional Communication students were inundated with what was the most peculiar of emails.

The contents of this email were possibly the most horrifying i've ever seen in many years. Nothing has ever prepared me for this. No amount of smelling salts will knock the sense back into me.

I give you, a potential fashion disaster in our program:

"Hi there, got the following bags for sale:

Louis Vuitton Denim Theda Bag (pics via email!)
Louis Vuitton Cerises (Cherry) Theda Bag (pics via email!)
Louis Vuitton 2005 green shoulderbag with gold monogram + matching make up case.
Louis Vuitton Mini Pochette bag

All items going cheeaaap!!! Clearing my closet & need the cash."

Honey, i know it's all hunky dory with designer goods; i like them designer brands too. But coming from where i'm from - the oldest Professional Communication student across all 3 years i'd say - would you believe me when i say LV goods are for rich mistresses with too many cocktail functions to attend and too many functions to gatecrash? I've been around the block far too many times to see fashion disasters fall prey to public adrock2xander's opinion, in this case, you (whoever you are).

I know you're not rich, coz you 'need the cash'. LV-toting folks NEVER need the cash. Cash needs them.

I suggest you need a complete revamp of your wardrobe. I'm having you pegged as an early 20s loafer with no sartorial know-how. Come up to me in uni and beg for my advice. I'll slap you two times over with a large trout and consider taking you under my tutelage. Anyone who wears LV at this age will die at 40 single, lonely and touching herself to sleep every night.

Please, stop embarrassing yourself. No one's envious of your LV products. Everyone's laughing at you.

Saturday, May 27

adrock2xander For Miss Universe

The Misfit

Becoming Miss Universe is every girls dream.

So when you become Miss Universe, what would be your first form of action?

If adrock2xander were Miss Universe, he'd pose for Playboy. He reckons all Miss Universes should be a centerfold girl. Now if only Jennifer Hawkins...

And yes, shaved pussy please.

Hot Water, That's All I Want

The Misfit

Dearest TXU, your reputation as Australia's gas and electricity supplier must precede you at times. You get so big headed from your swelling coffers you barely have time to tend to lesser issues no?

At the time of writing, i've just stepped out of an icy cold shower in the middle of an arctic Autumn chill. It's 11 degrees celcius now.

"Why is this dipshit showering with icy cold water anyway?" you may wonder.

Well, if you are fucking paying attention to your heaters in a northern suburb, you'll find that the heater breaks down every 2 days. I'm paying $100 a month on electricity and gas bills and expect the basic necessities from you. I'm not even asking for a fucking stuffed koala bear every Christmas. All i ask for is hot running water everyday. I risk pneumonia showering with cold water. It's fucking autumn. Temperatures are hovering at 10-14 degrees everyday. Does the idea of dousing yourself in cold water sound appealing to you? Does it?


Good job there TXU. Gas and electricity supplier my ass.
Suck my fucking Asian cock.

Very very angry customer,

Wednesday, May 24

To Shane, From Samantha (& John )

The Outrageous

My dearest
Samantha has run out of gift ideas for her partner Shane. I took it upon myself to write Shane a short poem.

"Dearest Shane - ive ran out of lovely things to tell you.
So i got desperate and ran to Mr Google.
So, do not profess your detest of me at the sight of one poem.
My attraction for you is beyond one poem.
It's more, eh, abstract than that.
As you can see i'm running out of words to tell you.
You're so beautiful no words can describe you.
p.s: thank you Mr Google."

X-Men 3

The Outrageous

I'm questioning why the latest X-Men:

- isn't about the Dark Phoenix saga

- doesn't have Gambit

- has a skinny Beast

- still portrays Rogue 5 years too young

- still puts Magneto through all the trouble of wearing an upturned-bucket

- has a pre-Apocalypse Angel

- (Harry quoted this - LOL) "And Beast is also Frasier"

Yes. Why?

Feeling cheated with the characterisation of the latest Marvel flick, i decided to take quick peek at for the
full credits of X-Men 3.

I almost died. Everyone in Marvel should shoot themselves in the head.

I'm now questioning why the latest X-Men:

- still gives so much screentime to Mystique, who is at best, a secondary character in the comics

- has Pyro but no Gambit. Again. WTF PYRO? That lame Brotherhood of Evil Mutants outcast!!!

- lists Colossus below Kitty Pryde i.e Shadowcat. Colussus has so much more leverage in the comics. Not that phasing through solid objects aren't cool, but how dare they leave Colossus to the most miniscule of roles?

- Multiple Man!!! ROFL...i can barely remember him as Moira MacTaggert's assistant

- Siryn and Leech!? They're including far too many characters into the plot

- Kid Omega? OMG i had to google this fella. Too vague.

- Psylocke, right at the bottom of the credits. This director doesn't know his X-Men from his nuts. One of the coolest characters, reserved to die in a peripheral role

Are You A Fan Of European Football?

The Misfit

I've decided to, on a frequent basis, start talking about a sport i'm completely batty about.

If you're Australian and obsess about kicking an oval ball at the mention of 'football', i suggest you start fellating your big hairy toe - there'll be no references to a 3rd world sport here.

I am, of course, talking about the world game - football, or soccer as some countries call it.

I have no problems with the term football or soccer. For easy reference with my largely Australian and Singaporean viewers, i'll stick to the term 'soccer'.

With Australia's qualification into the World Cup next month, the profile of soccer has been raised considerably. You know Australia means business when Australian ministers - soccer aliens themselves - bring up soccer and Australia's chances in their speeches.

Not that i care. Nor is the big brouhaha about calling it football or soccer. There's been so much hubris whipped up by some journalists lately over the correct term that for awhile it seemed like Australia had problems identifying what a round ball is. For fuck sakes, football or soccer. It's the same thing. I'd call it stupid-ball-that-hits-you-in-the-gonads-if-you-do-not-shield-your-wiener if it pleases me.

Which brings me to the matter of European soccer. I'm going to incur the wrath of many soccer purists here, but i stick to my guns. English soccer over the years has become increasingly more cosmopolitan, with a glut of foreign imports from continental Europe. But the basis of English soccer is still the same; the kick-and-rush attitude that epitomises the industrialness of post-WWII England. It's all guts and glory. Nada skill.

The only facet of English soccer that sells is its global appeal - which stymmies me. Watching soccer is a 'continental Europe' package. You can't have a cheeseburger without the tomato ketchup. Similarly, you can't just watch soccer from a country's league. Different European soccer league plays out a different soap to you.

The Italian soap shows you how to defend.

The Spanish soap shows you how to entertain.

The German soap shows you how to work as a team.

Ask an English soccer fan in the streets of Melbourne what he thinks of the latest Arsenal signing from the Czech Republic, you'll get a wide-eyed huh? I'm better off flagellating myself.

I am of course, talking about the Czech maestro Tomas Rosicky.

I'm a big fan of Tomas and have been following his career for the last 2 odd years. In Tomas, Arsenal finally gets the complete midfielder they've been craving for since the sale of Patrick Viera to Juventas a season ago. Equally adept with both feet, incredibly industrious and an eye for the killer pass, Tomas is most effective as an out and out attacking midfielder.

At only £7million, Arsenal has scored a transfer coup for a world class midfielder who cost his old club Borussia Dortmund £18million in 2001. His stock is sure to rise in this World Cup - not like he needs more as he's already considered one of the best center midfielders in the world.

As you'll have no doubt figured by now, i'm a huge fan of the Czech Republic. I'll be following their progress from the group stages. That's not to say i'll forsake Australia. I remember cheering and shouting myself hoarse when John Aloisi scored the vital penalty that took the Socceroos to the World Cup.

This will be an interesting World Cup. Many new gems will be unearthed, many stars will fall. I rub my hands in anticipation - an entire month of soccer. Live from my home. Time to rethink my priorities - out goes my social life, my work and other distractions.

Don't forget to ask Melburnians who Tomas Rosicky is. The look on their English soccer face will be an instant classic.

*coughs* Cough *coughs*

The Misfit

I've been infected with a mutant strain.

Called the Cough Syndrome, this virus attaches itself onto its victim's throat and irritates the hell out of it. Sometimes, it decides to tease you somewhat and tickles your lungs, resulting in hacking coughs gooey white phlegm.

The coughs are so violent it sends out tremors and whole objects reverberate. This morning i coughed so hard in the tram i swear the tram driver stopped his tram in the middle of Elizabeth Street, walked up to me and punched me in the face.

Why doesn't the strain just take my life already?

Tuesday, May 23

M Is For Money. B Is For Broke. A Is For Angry.

The Misfit

You see, i'm not exactly the richest foreign student around.

Public Australian opinion has us foreign students pegged as rich farts whose parents shelled out loose change for their precious children to fly thousands of miles to study.

Admittedly, there're a large number of foreign students, mostly of East Asian extract, who live in excess of A$3000/mth. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I personally know of many East Asian friends from Hong Kong, Indonesia, Singapore and Malaysia who roll their joints in a $20 note and smoke them. Yeah that's how filthy rich they are. They need not work, need not fret, and need not worry about life's trivial pursuits. They've got their flash cars, their Asian friends to hang around with and their club nights in Amber Lounge.

But i digress. This isn't an anti-Asian post. (What? I love Asians! Wadya talking about? I'm like, fucking love them!)

I'm just really upset at my bank balance. A quick peek into my account this morning revealed i've been slowly constricted by a public bank i use frequently. Perhaps due to my negligence, i've been charged $60 for debit credits in the last 2 months.

$60. That's what i spend in a week. That's how fucking poor i am. That's how upset i am. The oligarchy has sucked the essence out of my pockets. Those rich farts do not need more money from me. There're richer foreign students out there.

Money that has to be spent, will be spent. But what can we regular consumers do when fees are raised to alarming levels? What? Take it to the streets? Melbourne's angry as it is. Anti-Howard. Anti-War. Anti-Meat. Anti-Import. Anti-Singapore. Why ruffle the big bird's feathers? He's got enough on his platter.

It's hard for a poor foreign student sometimes. 7 days in a week. 4 days of classes. Somehow you've to throw in at least a full day of work to save for rent. Which leaves you with nothing left. I turn to my piggy bank, flip it over and shake it. A paltry few dollars fall into my lap.

"Yeah let's take my date out for dinner!" i think.

I'm angry and i feel like bitching about money affairs. But granted this is the final weeks leading up to the end of the semester, which means, deadlines. So, to save myself more trauma than i'm already due, i'll stop.

But before that, a let out.


ps: adrock2xander really isn't that poor. He's from your average middle-class family. He does however, work twice a week and cooks whenever he can. Eating out = $$. He indulges in some video games or nice clothes once a month and wonders why some East Asians have it so good. Then he realises, they don't speak English. "Fair trade", he reckons.

Monday, May 22

Porn - adrock2xander style

The Misfit

I've been experimenting with my very own porn flick over the weekend.

I was a very late starter when it came to porn. I was 17 years old. The boys in high school have been circulating this video tape (yes, the monolithic beast used to exist lol) among themselves, and somehow i managed to wrestle possession of it from the school bullies.

Upon getting home, i popped the video tape into my VCR (yes, another beast!), sat back with popcorn and propped my legs up against the coffee table, ready for a movie-marathon.

Let's just say, i never looked at a female or a piece of bear skin loin cloth the same way again after that afternoon.

I've been inspired to produce and direct my own porn flick since that fateful day, and i took it upon myself to watch the variety of porn there was out in the market. Pornography is banned in Singapore, but i'd gotten around a few loopholes to get my hands on regular copies of my favourite genres every few weeks.

Of course, with my coming to Melbourne, and pornography practically shoved in your face in this beautiful city, i've had my hands full with the distinctively European-style porn. It's hard to miss those adult shops =)

My favourite genres are P.O.V (point of view), creampies, threesomes and teenage. Curiously, i've never found lesbian scenes to titillate me as much as having a male in the scene. I simply cannot stomach a proper sex scene without a male in it. Call me old-fashioned, but i cannot deny my homosexuality.

Here's a little sample of my porn flick in TEXT form. This is an entirely rehearsed scene, i spent about 10 minutes running through the motions with the actress.

*Shot opens up to a beautiful brunette in a tight halter-neck top and jeans. She's sitting on a couch. The room is sparsely furnished.*

*Camera slowly dollies towards the brunette, stopping at a medium close-up shot.*

adrock2xander - Hi there you little thing.

Jane# - *rather nervously* Hi.

adrock2xander - Could you please tell us what your name is and your age please?

Jane - My name is Jane and i'm 19 years old.

adrock2xander - That's great Jane. And where are you from?

Jane - I'm from Melbourne.

adrock2xander - So Jane, do you know why you're here today?

Jane - Yes, I'm about to have sex for the first time on camera.

adrock2xander - Do you know who you're fucking? Where is he?

Jane - *smiles* Yes his name is Ben. Come here Ben.

*Camera dollies out slightly and pans slowly to the right. Ben walks over from outside the frame and sits next to Jane.*

adrock2xander - Hi Ben, you'll take good care of Jane yes?

Ben - *laughs* Oh John yes and i'll take good care of you too.

adrock2xander and Jane - *chuckles*

adrock2xander - Well then guys, i suggest you start with the action then! The viewers are getting impatient.

*Ben and Jane start kissing. Insert cheesy elevator music*

#Name has been changed

Thursday, May 18

I Lost My Virginity To...

The Misfit

...Kool & Gang.

They have the distinction of being the first band to play music to my ears. Or at least as far back as i can remember.

Unwanted Attention

The Outrageous

Stop distributing my email. Stop spamming my blog. Stop reading too much into it. Stop analysing me when you can't even look me in the eye. Stop rumour-mongering my name. It sickens me.

Stop it.

Monday, May 15

The Forbidden Fruit

The Outrageous

I had to blink twice when i went grocery shopping in Victoria Market last weekend.

Bananas in Australia are now going for $3.30 per fruit.

Not a kilogram, but a banana.

When Cyclone Larry
struck northern Queensland in March, decimating thousands of acres of banana and sugar cane plantations in the process, many farmers and observers noted that prices of local bananas would shoot through the roof.

With bananas ranking as one of Australia's most popular fruits, people are now thinking twice about consuming a fruit that was once taken for granted.

At over $12 a kilo for a hand of 4 bananas, i simply cannot fathom how Australians are willing to cough up so much money for the simple banana.

So, Australian's strict no-fruit import policy aside, does anyone have any cheap bananas i could buy from?

Sunday, May 14

Fancy Some Ass Juice?

The Outrageous

This bloke got more than he bargained for when he's left alone in the copying room for several minutes.

Spray-on Deodorant Is Evil

The Misfit

80% of Australian men smell the same. Even after a shower. I can testify to that.

After 75 minutes in
Fitness First, I drag my sorry and sweaty ass into the common bathroom, hoping to find some solace and respite.

Of course, no one has told me men these days still use spray-on deodorant.

Spray-on what? *befuddled*

Every man who uses spray-ons follow a pattern. These men, fresh out of the warm shower stalls, parade around the changing area with a towel attached around their buff bodies. Then, almost instinctively, they open their lockers, reach into their bags, and reveal what is my Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Pause this moment. This is a perfect opportunity for a cheesy ad commercial music promoting spray-ons.

I hear the popping sound of the cap being removed, and what follows next is a 10 seconds deluge of compressed air being jet-propelled onto their armpits.

A beat.

The next thing you know, that corner of the bathroom is cordoned off by an invisible barrier of artificial-smelling fragrance. The most repugnant, vile stench your nose has ever laid its senses on.

Yes, spray-ons have a thing in common.

Nobody likes body odor. For starters, it is the smell of your body. Unless you're referring to your partner who doesn't mind grovelling into your armpits after an hour of sweaty sex, the bacteria that lives on your body will stir the dead in their sleep.

Enter deodorants. Either for sartorial purposes or a feel good factor, deodorants have for a long time, been the de rigueur in every man's arsenal to impress a woman. A deodorant, either spray-on or roll on, serves the same purpose: to keep everyone within a radius of 5 feet of himself, to himself.

Deodorants have evolved a fair bit from its humble beginnings in the late 19th century. From the prototype Mum deodorant that appeared in a creamy form to the friction-causing solid stick deodorant that people complained about, deodorants have witnessed men walking on the moon, two World Wars, the death of Kurt Cobain and the rise of Islam.

Somewhere along that timeline, some smart ass veered away from the mainstream deodorants and decided to destroy the earth's ozone layer by pumping chlorofluorocarbons into the atmosphere.

In his quest for glory and infamy he decides that tacked-on branding such as Axe and Lynx were appropriate for half-witted men who do not have the spending power to buy proper roll-on deodorants. Along the way he also recruited Advertising drop outs and came up with faux-cool names such as 'Orient', 'Marine' and 'Amber'. Unlimited powers of seduction? I don't think so!

I've always associated spray-ons with school jocks and bullies. These are the insecure blokes who're too broke for a $30 bottle of roll-ons, and redeem themselves by bashing and taking money from innocent school boys. I should know, i was one of the school boys.

8 million men in the United Kingdom use Lynx deodorants daily. That's 8 million clueless farts the Commonwealth can do without. That could also mean, 8 millions bullies are now running rampant in schools across the UK. And that's not good.

I suppose Australia has a long way to go before learning what smelling good is. Day in and day out, i risk suffocation on early morning commutes to university. You'll be surprised how many musty-smelling folks there are in Melbourne. Perhaps it's the Victorian Save Water campaign which limits Melburnians to a shower a day. Or those bloody dreadlocks that all Anglos spot. It's cool to look like an African, but it's not cool when you've not washed your hair for 2 weeks.

The next time you spot a finely chiselled and good looking bloke using spray-ons, chuckle to yourself. He may have women dropping to their knees, but he won't have take them home. Any self-respecting woman can tell the difference between a man with substance and a man without.

Saturday, May 13

Now Will The Real Football Please Stand Up?

The Outrageous

The writers of The Age are a bunch of two-piece potheads whose idea of football is an oval ball played with hands.

Such an
emotional article in today's article on the F.A Cup ruffling Melbourne's feathers. I loved the way the Mr Kinsella described football to Melburnians, who must be scratching their heads at this phenomenon that is a round football.

Oh don't worry Australia. Football's not going to stir you in your sleep. The rest of the world is comfortable with the knowledge that Australia's still obsessed with their national game.

'Coz that's what Australia still is, a football backwater.

Friday, May 12

adrock2xander via Quicktime

The Misfit

Here's a little sampler from my host position in Tehw00t Show.

The video's still in its early stages, but given it's a video game show, the clip would have my health meter and power-up bar attached to the side. I'm asking the tech team to throw in more stuff, like ecumbrance, inventory and funky RPG stuff. Imagine adrock2xander brandishing a mean looking broadsword, throwing ice daggers at trolls. Wahahaha.

And no i didn't need a wardrobe to look the part of a geek. That's what i wore from home. Once a geek, always a geek.

My first internet video sampler - haha i still laugh when i look at it. My parody of a geek looks really silly. I reckon i make geeks look even geekier. =)

Mmmmm, cheeseburgers.

The Misfit

You know you've been eating too much fast food when you pull up to the McDonald's drive-thru, order two cheeseburgers and ask for takeaway.


Thursday, May 11

adrock2xander Fights Back

The Misfit

Everyone knows that Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit. is by and large, a parody of my larger-than-life persona, my ethnicity, the amazing events that revolve and unfold around me and my distaste for all things East Asians, particularly Singapore.

So what does adrock2xander do when he's placed under the scrutiny of his mates for his rude antics, which has been his trademark since 1997?

He spoofs his own Pretty Post!

Johnny Depp

Viggo Mortenson

Orlando Bloom

Brad Pitt


Vote for the Prettiest Man.

Wednesday, May 10

On May's Issue Of Catalyst

The Misfit

“I am absolutely ill-qualified to give fashion advice. An unfortunate by-product of horny hippie parents, I remember the tightly rolled shorts in the 70s, witnessed the big cauliflower hairdos in the 80s, and laughed at grunge rockers wannabes in the 90s. Fast forward to 2006. Melburnians are terrible dressers. This is why.”

By John ‘adrock2xander’ Ng

Last month, I talked about the wristbands. This month, the spotlight falls on one of wristbands’ mutations.

It wasn’t until too long ago that doing a good cause for a charitable or health organisation was seen as a gracious and oh-so-cool thing to do. Of course, nobody thought that Lance Armstrong would survive balls cancer and unintentionally start a fashion trend that ranks as the first fashion disaster of the 21st Century. Oh hold on, it’s Melbourne. I’d say, 15th fashion disaster.

If you’re still clueless to what I’m getting at, you’ve either been stuck under a giant cancerous scab or have been colour blind for the last 2 years. I’m talking about those fanciful looking charity wristbands.

Ahhh, charity wristbands. Where shall I begin? Perhaps it’s the colour. The shocking hues, the array of luminescent shades or is it the rubber imprints with the fake charity names?

There’s only one true way to accessorise like Gianni Versace (God save his soul). And that’s leather wristbands.

I blame Lance Armstrong. He may be a champion on two wheels and balls, but he lacks foresight. I mean, there’re other ways to show your support for *insert obligatory cancer here*. Whatever happened to the good old fashioned Certificate of Appreciation? Just like how it is after you spend an hour, reclining on a chair, watching your blood go upstream into a bag.

Or a Letter of Commendation? After all it takes balls (pardon the pun) to give your time and energy to the good of civic service.

But a rubber wristband? I’m dismayed. What were his Public Relations cronies doing? Someone ought to fire them.

I reckon Melbourne’s been afflicted with the Charity Wristband Disease. Such a small, trivial piece of itemised jewellery, and somehow put on the pedestal with such acclaim – it’s like a chef winning Best Chef after applying mayonnaise in a cheeseburger. Yes, the analogy is poor, but you get the picture.

I can see the appeal of the charity wristband – you’re telling everyone out there that you’re a cool bloke with a heart of gold. But who are you trying to convince? That you’re Mr Do-Goody philanthropist? Or do you just want to blend in with others, because everyone else is wearing it? That’s not cool, that’s just not having the guts to be genuinely different. Now that’s cool. Oh wait, have I hurt your feelings?

The truth hurts. I know what it’s like to fit in with others. While everyone was smoking cigarettes and having sex at tender ages, I was smoking cigarettes and masturbating to porn. The truth is, I couldn’t score a date to save my life. I got my rocks off inflatable dolls. Toilet rolls with moist paper towels became my best friends. I had problems finding female genitalia. I guess I can say that although I was a virgin, I was cool coz I smoked, no?

NO! Smoking is not cool! So are charity wristbands! In fact, the next time you slip into those ugly add-ons, tell yourself that you’re really smoking a cigarette.



I’d rather you give cash to the organisation than buy the stupid wristbands. Heck, I’d GIVE you the cash. It’s a fad. 10 years down the road, you’ll grimace and moan at those yesteryears when you posed with the wristbands like the health ambassador you were.

There’s only one thing worse than a charity wristband that’s gone multi-platinum. That’s popped collars.

But that, is another story.

Tuesday, May 9

Nobody Loves Me. Like, Nobody.

The Misfit

I've decided to stop talking about campus life.

It appears that i've pissed off not one, not two, but three people within a space of eight days.

If someone's giving out brownie points, i should win hands down.

I'm going to have a rest while i consider my priorities.

I'm losing more friends than i'm making.

Monday, May 8

Professional Comms RMIT: The Rumour Mill

The Outrageous

It's not apparent yet, but romance is in the air.

Of coz, only your resident busybody adrock2xander was privy to this information early this evening.

Someone is attracted to a blonde in the 2007 class. And had the guts to write this sweet and somewhat morbid note to the blonde:

"I have quite a strong affinity for blondes like Alfred Hitchcock, and like him, i share the same body type. If i were perhaps in better shape and more knowledgeable, i would have the confidence to attempt a relationship with you.

Please don't be startled, i wouldn't embarrass you like that and you deserve a partner that matches your ideal image of a man. However, you're an interesting subject and you've motivated me to be a better person.

Thank you"

I'll leave it at that and let y'all figure out what's going on. I won't say a word =)

Nobody Loves Me

The Outrageous

For the second time in a week, i've unintentionally pissed off someone on my blog.

Gosh is it me, or is everyone not taking their humour pill lately?

I don't wish to thread on broken glass everytime i blog, but this is getting ridiculous.

But sincere apologies to *insert name here*. No hard feelings.

Sunday, May 7


The Beautiful

Results so far

Greta: 6 votes
Adriana: 7 votes
adrock2xander is pretty: 1 vote
adrock2xander is scary: 1 vote

Keep voting guys!

Out Goes The Asian

The Outrageous

And the Asian goes out.

I really don't give a hoot about Big Brother Australia. It's stupid, inane, childish and a waste of taxpayer's money. If i want to be famous, i'd rather eat cows testicles than live in front of television for months on.

But of course, i was quite elated to find that Elise, the token Asian in the group of 15? 16? I don't know...was voted out.

Of course, what chance does a gook have in a sea of skips and wogs? We're always the 'lesser' race. Nobody can relate to Asians. We don't speak English.


RMIT Is Clueless, Or Racist?

The Outrageous

How on earth are Australia's international students (read: Asians) supposed to edit their essays when not a single Asian can speak any English?

Is RMIT racist?

Is there any hope for the much maligned international students (read: Asians)?

God save the souls of all Asians and grant them the power to speak English.

Free Comic Book Day

The Beautiful

Saturday, the 6th of May was Free Comic Book Day.

Did you pick up your free comic book from all respecting comic book shops?

For those not in the know, Free Comic Book Day is a single day when participating comic book shops across North America and around the world are giving away comic books absolutely free to anyone who comes into their stores.

It still amazes me when lesser beings laugh at adults with a comic book in hand. It saddens me as the jokes on them; they're the ones who're oblivious to an essential skill taught the moment they can walk - reading.

Comic books are an original American art form, created in the early days of the twentieth century. They are fun to read, featuring a wide range of diverse storylines that capture the imagination of the readers, and have survived: the dominance of radio, the ubiquity of television, the spread of color and sound motion pictures, the rise of videogames, and the Internet.

I'm hoping to inspire my readers to pick up a comic at your neighbourhood comic dealer. I've been reading comics, particularly
Marvel comics, from the tender age of 8. Dotted in this blog are several, if not many, posts on comic fandom and just general thoughts on comics. Comics and visuals have an important role in my life. They taught me how to read and imagine when i was 8; they're still teaching me how to read and imagine as i approach the big 3-0.

I picked up these 3 comics for free. Future Shock (a peek into the future of Image Comics), Archie's 65th Anniversary Bash and Transformers Infiltration.

Now, excuse me while i read them in isolation in the toilet.

Saturday, May 6


The Outrageous

If there's one concensus among everyone in Professional Communications, it's the fact that Greta simply is the most beautiful girl out there. Period.

Or is she?

Being Swedish, blonde, lithe, svelte and well-dressed does have its perks. But is she really easy on the eye? Or has the media played up the blondes, skewing the traditional notion of attractiveness?

I've spent the evening arguing with the equally attractive Adriana. She absolutely doesn't believe me when i tell her she's just as attractive as a blonde. Or Greta.

Is she?

Being Bulgarian, brunette, lithe, svelte and well-dressed does have its perks. But how can you tell a brunette that when she's adament that a blonde's streets ahead of her in the looks department?

So i thought, why not juxtapose pictures of Greta and Adriana and let a poll take care of itself? And why not, to up the ante, put a picture of myself next to the two beautiful ladies?

Being Chinese, black-haired, short, pudgy and shabbily-dressed does have its perks. But how does that compare to the media's biased slant on blondes and brunettes?

So here we are. Let's poll.

WHO IS PRETTIER? Blonde-haired Greta, Brunette-haired Adriana or Black-haired John?




And let the voting begin.

Friday, May 5

The Million-Dollar Mediocrity

The Outrageous

Jim Schembri, one of The Age's humour columnist and a favourite writer of mine, has written an absolute gold article on the
decline of Tom Cruise's career.

I highly recommend it to any neutral fans of Tom Cruise out there and those who love laughing at him jumping on couches.

The Singapore Prime Minister Apologises - LOL Please Pass The Peas

The Outrageous

I really don't give a shit about the Singapore elections. (Who gives a shit about Singapore anyway? It's the pits.) It's the same result anyway. PAP wins. I didn't even know the elections were on until late last month. That's how much i do care.

A good and trusted source in Singapore had sent me this news from Dow Jones Singapore. Of course given the politcal landscape in Singapore i'm not silly enough to go around mentioning names no?

Everyone knows the Singapore government is a tight-ass organisation. Afterall, you can afford to be cocky after winning the elections since 1965. But wow, here's a revelation from Dow Jones:

"SINGAPORE (Dow Jones)--Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong offered a rare apology Friday for saying he would have to "fix" the opposition if they won additional seats in parliamentary elections this weekend.

The prime minister''s remark, made during an election rally Wednesday, was intended to highlight that Singapore would be worse off with more opposition lawmakers, Lee''s press secretary said in a statement.

"If there were many more opposition MPs in parliament, the government and opposition would spend all their time and energies countering each other," the statement said.

At Wednesday''s rally, Lee said: "Suppose you had 10, 15, 20 opposition members in Parliament. Instead of spending my time thinking what is the right policy for Singapore, I''m going to spend all my time thinking what''s the right way to fix them, to buy my supporters votes, how can I solve this week''s problem and forget about next year''s challenges?"

The May 6 election is the first in 18 years to have more than half the seats contested by opposition parties, but the People''s Action Party, which has won every election since Singapore''s separation from Malaysia in 1965, is expected to sweep an overwhelming majority.

Opposition parties have two lawmakers in the 84-seat parliament.

The prime minister used direct language to get a point across, the statement said.

"If the exact words he used offended, he is sorry," it said.

-By Stephen Wright, Dow Jones Newswires"

Of course, if a member of the Opposition Party had said he'd 'fix PAP', he'd find a legal letter sitting on his desk Monday morning.

And i wonder how PAP has been winning it since 1965.

*snide chuckle*

Thursday, May 4

The Bulgarian Son And His Cushions

The Beautiful

Wednesday night was spent over at Adriana's place.

Nothing scandalous here, readers. Don't get too excited. But i know who's thinking otherwise. Stop chuckling Hoevenaars lol.

Adriana's family own New Line Cushions, a young upstart that's rapidly making a name for itself in northerns suburbs of Melbourne, markets and interior design companies. Incredibly, they don't have an online business.

Seems like my reputation as an online 'Been-There-And-Seen-It-all' bloke precedes myself. Being the Luddite she is, Adriana sought my help to help her family start their cushion business online.

I was treated like royalty at the family home. Pizza, ice cream, chocolates, orange juice. Does the Guerguinova family need another son? Please? =)

I'm glad i got to know Adriana's family. They're just about the nicest folks along the border of NSW and Victoria. (They don't actually live that far away, but omg an hour's journey from the city?). They really put themselves out there to ensure i was comfortable while i did up their online store on eBay. Maybe it's the Bulgarian hospitality. Maybe it's not. But i liked it. Thank you.

The family decided to put up 3 listed items to test the waters. If anyone's interested in cushions that are vibrant in designs, with lovely materials imported from Italy and Belgium and are that're painstakingly made by hand, do check out the links.

The Gainsville and Nova Bronze range

The Zimbabwe and Natural Colour range

The Blue & Black and Natural Colour range

Ahhh...good old-fashioned Bulgarian hospitality and hand-made cushions. If that's not warmth and sincerity to you, i don't know what is.

Tuesday, May 2

Professional Comms RMIT: The Rumour Mill

The Misfit

I'm beginning to love this rumour-mongering habit of mine.

Apparently our completely ravishing and hot Swedish Australian chick Greta thinks i dislike her. Like, heaps. Which explains why i once told her she's either hot (ho ho hum, all dressed up to paint the town red) or incredibly boring (coming to uni in trackpants).

How she came to that conclusion, i don't know.

Greta, the day i dislike you is the day Australians are able to pronounce my surname without a moment's hesitation.

Defamatory Post Removed

The Misfit

It ended well after all.

Having spoken to the relevant people, i decided that removing the 'offensive' post would best, for both our interests.

I went looking up for Seth in the evening and apologised to him. Seth was a pro, and was cordial and gracious enough to accept my apology.

We both came to two conclusion - that we truly have a good lecturer-student relationship (ok that sounds pretty risque hahaha) and intentions, however good, have a limit.

The post has been deleted, but i've printed out a copy for my safe-keeping. I'm putting it up on my wall for memories-sake. It isn't my first removed post, and it wouldn't be my last.

Again, all apologies to Seth; see you back in lecture next week.

Seth Keen Fights Back

The Outrageous

My lecturer, Seth Keen, has replied to my get well card with a response that left me stunned. Completely stunned. As the email contains privileged and confidential information
, i'm not allowed to reproduce his response on the blog.

Fair enough, the get well card is laced with black humour, as is my entire blog. I do not aim to write to please through saccharine sweet posts with flowers and lollies, those blogs are for 18yo virgin girls.

I've had threats, police and legal action hurled at my face before, but this blog still stands. I stand by my beliefs that humour and crass irreverance is the only way to take on this twisted world.

I'm extremely saddened that Seth views my card as an attempt to belittle him. Surely, he does not read my blog and i can't expect him to know the way i write. I just expected more from him.

Seth is an established lecturer with a proud teaching and working portfolio, i can't fault that. Surely no one who has worked this hard wants to be called anything less than a *insert inflammatory term here*? But why read so much into it? It's obvious it's a funny post and everyone i've polled enjoyed it.

I understand that it's a case of defamation. (perhaps?) But am i not protected by free speech here in Australia? I have no desire to remove the blog post as it was written with good intentions. I've had a good lecturer-student relationship with Seth so far, and have no wish for it to detoriate due to this matter.

The Melbourne Comedy Festival is going on as i speak. I've attended and watched several of the performances. Similar to any stand up comedians in the U.S, George Bush, John Howard or any important dignitaries always cop the biggest laughters.

I've heard David Letterman call George Bush all sorts of names, and he's still working in CBS week in, week out with nary a trace of legal action taken against him.

I'll be taking this case up to the relevant people in RMIT. Some kind of advice and action has to be taken on someone's part. Sure all i've to do is remove the post and it's 'no worries, mate'. But there's a higher principle here, and that's self-expression and not taking things too seriously.

I will only remove the post after the relevant advice has been given. After all i'm not here to cause trouble. I have no wish to harm Seth's reputation nor damage my burgeoning portfolio in Melbourne. All i seek is a fair judgement.

I didn't leave Singapore to come to another country where freedom of speech, expression and the ability to laugh is also frowned upon.

Perhaps Australia is different from U.S with reference to free speech, but that's not the point. My point is, can't people laugh at themselves no more?

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