Sunday, May 14

Spray-on Deodorant Is Evil

The Misfit

80% of Australian men smell the same. Even after a shower. I can testify to that.

After 75 minutes in
Fitness First, I drag my sorry and sweaty ass into the common bathroom, hoping to find some solace and respite.

Of course, no one has told me men these days still use spray-on deodorant.

Spray-on what? *befuddled*

Every man who uses spray-ons follow a pattern. These men, fresh out of the warm shower stalls, parade around the changing area with a towel attached around their buff bodies. Then, almost instinctively, they open their lockers, reach into their bags, and reveal what is my Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Pause this moment. This is a perfect opportunity for a cheesy ad commercial music promoting spray-ons.

I hear the popping sound of the cap being removed, and what follows next is a 10 seconds deluge of compressed air being jet-propelled onto their armpits.

A beat.

The next thing you know, that corner of the bathroom is cordoned off by an invisible barrier of artificial-smelling fragrance. The most repugnant, vile stench your nose has ever laid its senses on.

Yes, spray-ons have a thing in common.

Nobody likes body odor. For starters, it is the smell of your body. Unless you're referring to your partner who doesn't mind grovelling into your armpits after an hour of sweaty sex, the bacteria that lives on your body will stir the dead in their sleep.

Enter deodorants. Either for sartorial purposes or a feel good factor, deodorants have for a long time, been the de rigueur in every man's arsenal to impress a woman. A deodorant, either spray-on or roll on, serves the same purpose: to keep everyone within a radius of 5 feet of himself, to himself.

Deodorants have evolved a fair bit from its humble beginnings in the late 19th century. From the prototype Mum deodorant that appeared in a creamy form to the friction-causing solid stick deodorant that people complained about, deodorants have witnessed men walking on the moon, two World Wars, the death of Kurt Cobain and the rise of Islam.

Somewhere along that timeline, some smart ass veered away from the mainstream deodorants and decided to destroy the earth's ozone layer by pumping chlorofluorocarbons into the atmosphere.

In his quest for glory and infamy he decides that tacked-on branding such as Axe and Lynx were appropriate for half-witted men who do not have the spending power to buy proper roll-on deodorants. Along the way he also recruited Advertising drop outs and came up with faux-cool names such as 'Orient', 'Marine' and 'Amber'. Unlimited powers of seduction? I don't think so!

I've always associated spray-ons with school jocks and bullies. These are the insecure blokes who're too broke for a $30 bottle of roll-ons, and redeem themselves by bashing and taking money from innocent school boys. I should know, i was one of the school boys.

8 million men in the United Kingdom use Lynx deodorants daily. That's 8 million clueless farts the Commonwealth can do without. That could also mean, 8 millions bullies are now running rampant in schools across the UK. And that's not good.

I suppose Australia has a long way to go before learning what smelling good is. Day in and day out, i risk suffocation on early morning commutes to university. You'll be surprised how many musty-smelling folks there are in Melbourne. Perhaps it's the Victorian Save Water campaign which limits Melburnians to a shower a day. Or those bloody dreadlocks that all Anglos spot. It's cool to look like an African, but it's not cool when you've not washed your hair for 2 weeks.

The next time you spot a finely chiselled and good looking bloke using spray-ons, chuckle to yourself. He may have women dropping to their knees, but he won't have take them home. Any self-respecting woman can tell the difference between a man with substance and a man without.

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