Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit.

Poem

Im feelin rather melancholic now...for some reason the TV isnt on...no music whatsoever...only sound i hear is the chirpin of the birds...this is a poem that i read whenever i think of my loneliness...at times it brings me to tears...reminds me of the days i cried myself to sleep...but better to love, be loved and lost than never feeling love ya?

Why did you have to break my heart?
Why did you have to tear it apart?
So this is how it finally ends
Both of us just being friends
I know that you're gone
And I'm trying to move on
I'm really trying to
But I can't get over you
I know I still love you
I know I still do
I know I still care
Even if it's not fair
I know that we didn't last
In my future, you'll just be my past
I regret ever falling in love with you
Coz crying was all you made me do
I cried for you over a thousand tears
I might still love you for a hundred years
You made my dreams come true
Because you loved me like I loved you
You made my illusions become reality
Coz you told me you'll love me for eternity
I'm wishing that all of this was true
But I know, deep inside, I'll never have you..

Avril



Avril Lavigne's sexy little underwear turn in her new music video 'Don't Tell Me' from her sophomore album 'Under My Skin' had me take my eyes off the PC...it isnt the first time ive heard the song...but i never got about to watchin the video in its entirety...after watchin it...i dont know how to make of it...

For some reason...i find Avril rather 'unreal'...i mean...rebonded hair at every photo shoot and appearance? And that image of hers...punk + grunge + pop...i can see why teens take a likin to her...i guess she caters to many disgruntled souls who're gettin tired of Britney Spears's cheesy boobs antics or Jessica Simpson's 'Tuna is chicken?' dumb blonde stunt...but hey...i guess they just fail to see what i see...

IMHO...Avril another manufactured pop icon...no self-respectin 19yo chick would succumb to the a manager's whim and fancy and put up with kooky street fashion sense and broody looks...it's cool to have that all that...but when that's how you look all day everyday for 2 years...it's gettin kinda freaky...

There're many Avril detractors out there who seem to derive the perverse pleasure of findin pix of Avril without any makeup on...i wonder why they'd wana do that...jealousy can only stem so deep...in all truth Avril isnt really too hot at all (mind you...she's like 5 feet 4 inches...that's tiny) ...and without her makeup she looks really pale and plain...not that i wouldnt wana do her (Dang i would!)...hehe...

I guess the underwear stunt is an attempt to defray the critics and portray herself as a female who knows her sexuality????? A brave attempt to show that she's still all woman...I wouldnt know...but that sexy pink number on her...gosh i would strain my coffee with her panties...they're hella sexy on her...

"The end is nigh!"

Oh you ppl simply cannot believe how often i told that to myself this afternoon...bloody Reservists finally ended...which signals an end to compulsory slavery...and the start of civilianhood...

I didnt realise how fuckin lonely i was until i got home...after unpackin...washin dirty laundry and showerin...i found myself lyin on my bed all alone...geeezzz...this really shouldnt be the way things ought to be...i need another half...heck...i fuckin deserve someone...spendin ya Saturday nights with friends or alone at home with the DVD player are always interestin time spent...but i dont get ANY SEX...

Speakin of sex...it's been soooo fuckin long since i got some whoopie...some nookie...a shag...some poon-tang pie...a real semblance of a chick with a willin pussy...anything...whackin off to porn can only get my libido this far...

Well...noone's around...and since there arent any willin women around...im gona go watch some porn...

Go me...

Gah!

You know your Reservists is headed for trouble from the word GO when ya surrounded by the greatest of irony...

I spent the day tryin to digest the very nauseatin fact that ive been posted to a unit that's brimmin with foul-speakin bad English tattooed Chinese hooligans...as a result ive not made any attempts to make friends with any of em...spendin the entire day keepin to myself and maintainin a poker face just so isnt me...

This really sucks...im disgusted...i feel like a large part of my soul has been ripped out of my chest...how am i gona communicate with this fuckers? Ive heard their English...it's English gone wrong...i shudder at the thought of bookin into camp tonight...

Thank God ive had a shinin light that kept me alive throughout the entire day...it's just fuckin crazy...i shouldnt even have such thoughts...but thank you MicheLe...you kept me sane and alive today...just the thought of you makin me laugh and forgettin my worries makes it all worthwhile...

Back to camp soon...go suck dick XXXXXXX....

I cant wait to head back to work next week...sense of normalcy and civilian life...

Army fatigues

I'd spent the better part of Sunday night clearin the contents of my very dusty Armu duffel bag that has spent the last 21 months sittin in a corner in all it's green glory...you see...yours truly has been called up for Army Reservists this comin Wednesday...and i'll be bloody lyin if i said i was lookin forward to it...

Singaporeans are generally very pampered citizens...not many would wana give up their creature comforts...hence the prospect of runnin around for DAYS and at times WEEKS with a rusty M-16 that's well past its prime...a giant of a back-pack...an elaborate pouch that's weighed down by 2 water bottles and a NON-SINGAPORE weather friendly uniform...makes for very unforgiving scenes and scents...

You cant fault the Singapore government though...however essential Reservists is...it is an UNNECASSARY distraction...seriously...what chances does this pathetic soul-less city state have against the likes of fundamentalist Muslim countries that literally engulf us?? Think the Vatican City...

It is this underlyin reason that has left me consumed with overwhelmin rage for the Singapore government to no end...to force ordinary ppl into compulsory conscription for lengthy periods of time (read: 2-3 years) just simply borders on a violation of human rights...it is invasion of personal freedom and space...it is rape...MENTAL RAPE...to coerce us into uniformed slavery is the BIGGEST offence the Singapore government has committed...tell me again why many young Singaporeans want to leave this country...

I'll go to Reservists this Wednesday wearin an invisible tee shirt emblazoned with a big middle finger and FUCK YOU to all things XXXXXXXXXXX....

Speakin of finger...i had the misfortune of cuttin my finger while choppin off my locks for 'fit-for-Army' hair...the fuckin wound wouldnt stop bleedin for an hour...i was this close to gettin it stitched up...

Pain and grimace aside...i refuse to let anyone dictate how i dress...speak...look ahd behave...it's only a God-given right for me to protect my own interests than puttin it out on a platter for half-wits...

A knackered finger...an invisible tee-shirt and a blasphemous contempt for the Singapore 'God'...wow this looks like an interestin week ahead...

Alone

There are many times in my life i wished i was born a woman.

But i digess...i have no wish to talk bout that now...

You see...I am almost always lonely late at night...that is of course...why im a hopeless insomniac...i know work starts at 9.30am the next day...yet i find myself gulpin pots of coffee and tit-bits to check my loneliness...strangely enough i fall asleep real quick...but not before wonderin what and who i would have become if i was born a woman.

Being a woman presents me with endless opportunities...you see...im not a bad lookin man...for Heaven's sakes...if i were a woman i'd be the hottest thing this side of town...

I suppose i shouldnt be whinin bout my loneliness...for most parts...i kinda chose this life style...cursed by an never-endin merry-go-round of datin beautiful women and givin them your heart while they have their eyes on someone else...my last serious girlfriend left me 2 years ago....i speak to my family on a 'need to' basis...i think my job is cool...but it really isnt...my friends still dont know the real me...and even my 'closest' friends find me a real mystery...i have this weird penchance for non-chinese women...thus relegatin me to scraps in a pile of chinese-dominated country...and now I blame myself for the current predicament im in...

I have so few people in my life that I can be completely honest with...and when the oppotunity presents itself i become a shrinkin violet and back away from the ppl who really care bout me...im thinkin to myself..."
Noone really cares bout me..dont pretend that you give a rat's ass bout me"...strangely enough i find myself able to pour my thoughts and worries when im bloggin...i always feel like im burdening others with my problems...frankly i dont think anyone even want to listen anymore...here in blogger i can talk through them...get support and feedback.

There is always so much happening...i am overwhelmed by the constant struggles in my life...i wish for peace...solidity...normalcy...and love.

Of TV and ugly...

The premier of Nip/Tuck was a...typical of good US series that's mysteriously ignored by Singaporeans who prefer fucked up low budget sub-par English and Mandarin local dramas...low key affair...apart from a couple of fascinatin TV trailers on late prime-time...it was relegated to the sidelines as the final season of Friends took Singapore by storm...

I had the audacity to sit through a 45 minutes special of Friends...let's be frank...Friends is no longer funny..10 season of the same ol' same ol'...how da fuck can the writers keep the sophisticated audience amused? I'd stopped watchin Friends after season 5...and perhaps for old times' sakes...i plonked myself infront of the tube with my Nachos to see what i've missed out on...

Turns out to be nothin much or fresh...Joey is still stupid...Chandler is still tryin to be wise-crackin...Ross is still confused bout his sexuality...Rachel still sports that hairdo-that-was-once-the-rage-but-is-now-just-plain-passe...Monica still walks around without a bra (not that im complainin...and Phoebe's still as neurotic as ever...

I stirred from my couch when the theme song came on at the end of the show...i must have fallen asleep...what can i say...borin with a capital B...who da fuck cares if Ross's kissin a black chick? Or Monica has shells on her hair? Geme Nip/Tuck already...

And what a savin grace Nip/Tuck was! I was absolutely riveted to this new series...this drama is set in a Miami plastic surgery center...McNamara-Troy...with the plot revolvin around the 2 doctors/partners...Sean McNamara (Dylan Walsh) is having problems at home...tryin hard to ammend problems between him and his wife Julia (Joely Richardson). Sean's partner and good friend Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) is a sex-starved bloke who uses his "charm" to bring in potential female candidates while gettin himself involved in illicit money-makin deals. What makes this series a sure-fire watcher is the graphic depiction of surgeries the doctors perform and the twisted...and from the first episode...macabre plotlines...now you know a series is good when your Dad never flinches from the TV and even comments on it...the last time my Dad took a likin to my TV obsession was Alias...and look how far the Jennifer Garner vehiecle has gone..

Ive never been satisfied with my appearance...save for the inevitable abuse and bullyin i was subjected to back in Elementary throughout High School for my seemingly 'different ways'...the only peeve i have is my appearance. You see...my facial appearance is stuck in the middle of 'Caucosoid and Mongoloid'...i have beautiful natural double eyelids that make for eye-candy...full lips ripe for kissin...a sharp nose with a high bridge nose that can cut through steel like knife though butter...naturally lean physique that's of above-average Asian height...and a hairy chest (few Chinese have any hair to speak of on their chest)...life doesnt get any better does it?

Unfortunately no...im plagued by grotesquely ugly facial and body imperfections...my face is too broad...my eyes are somewhat small...i dont have the 'round dome' at the back of the head that most bald Caucasian men sport...i have strangely small hands...womenly-like to be told...and a burgeoning belly that sometimes betray my 33-inch waist...

Let's face it...im ugly...*sob*...in fact i think im uglier than this bloke pictured..there just isnt another solution to my diseased look...i think goin under a knife is the only solution...
.

Now all i need is a philantropist who believes in my Hollywood Matinee good looks and donate a token sum into my trust fund...

Anyone?

Reply

I refer to the Lai Yew Chan's letter on MediaCorp's TODAY dated May 17. For those who arent privy to his...or is it hers...im sorry these Asian names are so fuckin hard to remember...they all look the same to me...fuck i cant even tell your gender...get a fuckin English name already...for simplicity's sakes let's call you it..

"AS A layman, i have watched the exploding local media industry with both anticipation and apprehension.

My apprehension stemmed from the possibility of media players succumbing to the temptation of sensationalilsm at the expense of news integrity.

On the international front, we have winessed puiblications attempting to manipulate perception by presenting one-sided reports without proper verification.

In this regard i must tribute to TODAY as it has, by and large, kept faith with the principle of being the purveyor of truth.

TODAY has avoided the use of language that is peppered with hype and rhetoric.

Instead, it has - as far as possible - engaged in serious news repoting and provided a cross-sectional perspective in its content.

In their bid to chalk up sales and ratings, media players would do well to abide by the principle that not every piece of news can be reduced to entertainment.

A sensational exclusive may tantalise the unthinking mind for a momennt, but only news integrity can withstand the test if time.

I am sure the readers of TODAY can look forward to many more pages of authoritative information and informed opinions.

Lai Yew Chan"

Wow is that not the most blatant and pompous arse-carrying ive read in awhile...Lai must be a fervant fan of the imcumbent political party here...ridicule and heckling from me aside...i infer that this idiot hasnt been in Singapore for a longest of time...is seriously ignorant and...like most Singaporeans...apathetic to the political scene here...or thinks being a fuckin 'balls-carrier' is gona get him somewhere...

First things first...it never pays to be a balls-carrier...especially so in politically-suffocated Singapore...now if you are a fuckin simpleton and is easily satisfied...and spankin new residential ammenities such as a buildin facelift and sheltered walkways is your cuppa tea...then by all means cup your hands and carry XXXXXX's balls...all you have to do is succumb to the 'carrot-at-the-end-of-the-stick' gig and ya off to a great start...but a bitter end...sure you'll get mountains of new 'Economic Shares' and a favorable resume in XXXXXXX's Big Black Book...but at what cost? Think individual rights...freedom of speech...riled up citizens who're forced to compulsory 'deduction-of-two-years-of-my-life' National Service...borin citizens who conform...lack of enterprisin ppl...dearth of outspoken Singaporeans...dependance on the XXXXXXX when things look gloomy...no wonder foreigners' wax lyrical about Singaporeans...they just have 'so much' to write about...coz Singapore is Queer as Fuck!

It's the biggest unspoken secret that Singaporeans who oppose XXXXXXX will be worse off financially...career-wise they'll be blacklisted and not be opportune to promotions...it's bad enough that every Singaporean is tracked and monitored by XXXXXXXX...only in Singapore is our 'social security' number displayed for all to see...numbers like these are likened to brandin us like criminals...wana join a contest? Please fill in your name, age and 'social security' number...you've won the car? Here's your name and 'social security' number displayed in National Paper...

No wonder it's so easy for XXXXXX to track Singaporeans...2 years ago 500 Singaporeans using the imcumbent tele-communication network YYYYYYY received a word of warnin from YYYYYYYY to stop downloading porn from P2P sites such as KaZaa...now how the fuck would XXXXXXXX know if Joe-Regular was downloadin porn or just the latest Britney Spears saucy video? It's a sign...anyone who signs up on YYYYYY would have their particulars inked into the Big MotherFucker XXXXXXXX CPU...and our every actions and deeds are traced to the very last detail...i begin to think Singapore's public housing has a video-cam installed in every room....

Secondly, TODAY is a MediaCorp paper...and for those not in the loop...MediaCorp is a XXXXXXXX company...which also means their news is censored, butchered and surgically implanted by the traditionalist XXXXXXXXX for us readers....and did not mention that it's also very rightist? If you thought USA's Fox News was bad, Singapore's MediaCorp...and just bout every media network here...just about takes the cake for right-wing fanaticism...so aggressive is their blatant conservatism slant...and their regular bombardment of boring media that it has inevitably numbed Singaporeans' senses...forced into submission and to grovel in their own inept ability to think for themselves...need proof? Think Singapore's highest rated sitcoms Phua Chu Kang or Under One Roof...garnerin high ratings and favorable reviews...to the consternation of genuine TV lovers who know their Frasiers and Everybody Loves Raymonds...

TODAY only continues the archaic way of news reporting...sensationalism or not...Singapore does not need another local watch-dog...i laugh when XXXXXXX attempts to promote Singapore as a regional arts and entertainment hub...for fuck's sake...drugs arent allowed here...the lack of a vibrant porn industry is rampant...cost of alcohol is exhorbitant...clubs have to stop spinning by 4am...theater productions attract paltry attendances...

Thankfully...the author Lai acts like the complete stupid git he is...and shoots himself in the foot by quotin "I am sure the readers of TODAY can look forward to many more pages of authoritative information and informed opinions." LMFAO...the irony...authoritative information in a country that filters information...

Indeed...what a good afternoon laugh...

Nocturnal

Im sittin in front of the PC...seachin for a game in Warcraft 3 ladder...and downloadin some porn...nocturnal activities just doesnt get any better...

Too many straights...

OK this is pissin me off...

All these straight people go around havin sex without condoms...it's like WTF? There are 6 billion people in the world and ya making more? ISNT THERE ENOUGH?

If there werent so many STUPID straight people in India and China they wouldnt HAVE all these problems with food and money...WTF...all these people WASTING U.N MONEY THAT CAN BE SPENT ON THE IRAQ PEACEKEEPING EFFORTS!!

If ya straight...dont have unprotected sex....if you DO...get a fuckin abortion! Dont make someone adopt it! That would be putting MORE people into the world...NIP IT IN THE BUD...I dont get the anti-abortion peeps...WTF are they thinking? WE NEED LESS PEOPLE...NOT MORE!!

You see...if ya gay you dont have to worry about pregnancy. If ya straight...TOO BAD MOTARD...YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOUR GOODS.

I wish there were more gay people so there would be SO MANY FUCKIN PEOPLE IN THE WORLD...THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE...Geez...the less people there are...the cheaper would things be...for fucks sakes...$90,000 for a fuckin 1.6L car!! FUCKING @#$@#$%#%#$....

TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD AND IZ THE STRAIGHT FOLKS' FAULT.

Incompetance

So i cycled to work today...or at least i tried. 5 minutes into my cyclin the sky opened up and swallowed me...i had to turn back...shower in warm water before leavin for work....AGAIN!!

This is gay man...the government must construct some kind of shelter on every pavement so i wouldnt have to waste time turnin back home...i dont care what they say...the weather is playin on MY time...why should i be late for work just becoz of the government's incompetance?

Thoughts and feelings just wont go away...

You can tell its lunchtime...the banging from the construction site opposite has abated....this silly sprucin up of Clarke Quay is pissin me off...before...i would knock off from work to the cheerful vibes of some Top 40 hits from the Voodoo Shack...these days i leave to the incessant clangin and knockin of construction equipments....

The sun is scorching today... which leaves one stuck indoors and sulking...after a month of dippin your ankles into puddles of rain...the infamous 'wet and sticky' weather one has always associated Singapore with is now back with a vengeance...now it gets so warm that a cold shower doesnt even suffice...trickles of perspiration appear at my beck and call a minute after i towel dry...a trip to the food stall next door is just askin for another sweatbath...and is it me or is my bloody a/c takin a 'lil longer to cool my sauna of a room?

Im slightly perturbed...i have a couple of self-imposed deadline that has unfortunately expired...work durin work hours...work after work hours...it's all bout deadlines isnt it...it's almost never bout fulfillin what you really want...just when the peach is within grasp...a silly furry monkey comes along to take it all away...

It pretty much sums up my life for the last 6 months doesnt it? It's like a fuckin epiphany...Down to my last hundred...i get a job offer from an MNC...i look set to snag that girl that ive long fancied...and she comes along breakin my fragile heart...i sign up for a full time contract...only for that funky magazine coming an hour late with a new job...

Why cant life just set you on a good and orderly life? Do these pitfalls and occasional hazards make you stronger or more cautious? In spite of the myriad of junctions i have stood...i do believe i have yet to make the biggest decision of my life...

Let's hope i dont have to make it anytime soon...as it is...my life is complicated enough...

A mouthful of...

cheeseballs. While watchin Baywatch Hawaii over the weekend...i stuffed 21 of them into my mouth...

Writer

What kind of writer i am? Well i guess this answers the proverbial question


You're a Plot writer!


What kind of writer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

How exciting

Oooh...Blogger has revamped its site and done a complete makeover. I totally love the new layout...less clutter and more color! Cool beanz! As i speak im still tryin to familiarise meself with the new look....lotsa new features too!! Looks like i gota stay in for lunch again...

Of Iraqis, Whites and Singaporeans...

The horrific pictures of the brutal treatment of Iraqi prisoners have been circulatin the rounds of internet pages and various international magazines. Unfortunately our Communist 'Pro-America' government has taken the bait...and has subjected mostly politically apathetic and ignorant Singaporeans to these visuals in our fiasco of a national newspaper The Straits Times...which for the uninitiated...is 'legislated, knick-picked and twisted to their whim and fancy' by a particular dominant party that uses money and dangling of carrots to sway the swing votes...

Before i get carried away...this isnt a post bout Singapore...oh wait...i'll probably talk bout it anway...but my thoughts on this whole fracas that has escalated into a potentially dangerous affair...but that's for the Government to investigate...while they're at it...i just wana laugh at the Americans...

The pictures that're givin a nude Britney Spears a run for its money are all ovet the papers now...so the Americans are humiliatin and torturin the Iraqis. Big fuckin deal.

Fuck the Geneva Convention. As long as there has been war...pillagin...death...sufferin and ill-treatment will follow. The silly paper with the fancy Swiss name's just another attempt by the peace-lovin surfer dudes who sit their fat fuckin asses on the chairs while deliberatin whether obesity is a problem in their country while decked out in their prim suits. Fuckin red-necks dont realise the Gun Control Bill or wachamacallit is somethin that needs to be looked into...children are fuckin dyin in their backyards...and here is CNN/BBC/some major foreign network focusin their attention on some doomed Muslims half way around the world....

Heck...if Singapore was invaded...and i had to fuckin fight...i would subject myself to the same activites those Americans are doin...yes we had experienced no 9/11...but who needs WTC when our Government is givin us small doses of Ground Zero every fuckin day? I tell ya...we Singaporeans are alot toughter than those red necks...if 1 billion ppl in America and Europe can live, grow old and die a fuckin place where violence is an invisible friend...yet cry foul when a Texan declares war on oil rich Iraq...i dont know what the world will come to...

Let's see how these fags survive over here...Singaporeans are like onions...the master-Chef tortures us slowly...peelin away our layers...all this time pushin our boundaries...and limitations...and privacy...forcin us to leave this God-forsaken place...only to have the master-Chef callin us 'Quitters'....so...Monsieur XXX....what would you have us do then? How convenient for you to call us Quitters...wow...has it occured...that we men have to sacrifice 3 years of our lives coz we were FORCED at 'gun point' to carry out those duties? Quitters eh....how apt...

Now...i wonder how Singaporeans will fare on the other side of the fence...

I dare not think...nor start...but i cannot resist a very temptin contributin factor...

Cheap cars and gas!

GOD BLESS AMERICA....

coz that's where Mischa Barton is!!!

Holy smokes i'm a literal walkin, talkin and breathin erection just lookin at her!! Turn off your smoke detectors already!! Coz it aint gona work!! Im in lurrrrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....

Oh yes Mischa really does knock my socks off...the depths and size of her eyes...the structure of her chin...her delicate nose...soft chestnust hair that cascades down her shoulders...she reminds me so much of Audrey Hepburn...classic beauty she was...and Mischa is her able replacement

Sidenote: Ya a dumbass if you dont watch The O.C....which incidentally..is on tv tonight for rabid fans of the now defunct Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place (yes...i gota admit...im a big Aaron Spelling fan and friends sleepin with one another is table gossip for me) and it's twisted storylines The O.C offers that all...and so much more...coz...really...it's all about Mischa Barton!! ...Nighttime soap has never been so good...secrets...backstabs...lies...love triangles are magnified...and Mischa Barton in her tube top!! (@#$@#%$%@$save@#$@#%#$%my@#$@#%#$eyes!!!)
I love you God...for givin me life...

Now just geme a piece of Mischa...

Annoyed

Ok...im pissed...

This week is the final week of my contract period in Saatchi. Just yesterday i have spoken to da boss of my intention to...well...hang around...i dont know bout myself...but im aware that everyone in the office...less the couple of 'jerks-who-suck-up-the-boss's-balls'...is receptive towards me...my work performance hasnt been fantabulously amazing...but i daresay ive not been a slouch...geme work and picture me being surrounded by 3 15yo punks..tauntin them to the beats of "Bring it On"...

Mr Money-Bags himself came along today and offered me a permanent contract that was..to say the least...rather disappointin...but oh well...

No increment in pay... (mind you i was on a contract pay)....

Incentives were kept to a fuckin minimum...

Anyone has a Glock i could pull on my head? Kill me already...

As if to knock in the biggest joke of my life that is irony...i had signed the contract after severe deliberation BEFORE receivin an email from everyone's favorite free-zine...I.S Magazine...editor Sharon has a job offer that may interest me...and god damn sonofabiatch i am fuckin interested...

But for now...im bounded by a contract in a prestigous company...i wana see where this gets me...am gona prove meself...

Win-win? Lose-lose? Win-lose? Gawd...

Seriously...Glock? Anyone?

Farting and Loving

You know how it is. A beautiful date by your side...sunset in motion...coolin non-tropical weather chillin you to a comfortable sweatshirt attire...the stage is set...the 2 of you lean on each other...attracted to each other...spell bound...the flesh is callin out for the lip's touch...your hands are all over...then it happens...

You let out a loud fart.

I'm curious about a milestone we reach in relationships or the dates you go out with...there's an invisible code that guides us when we have sex...noone tells us when to do it...it just happens...with or without the embarassment...and both parties are for the better...but when is it cool to fart?

As far as im concerned...there are only 2 reactions from a woman...

1) A generally good-natured laughter. She appreciates your humor and is...though slightly taken aback...not bothered by the lack of civility or manners...imho...she's a keeper...

2) A generally good-natured look of scorn. Disgust and lack of apathy (c'mon!! I only had 2 bowls of baked beans!) coupled with an utter lack of tact makes for a quick getaway...or if ya lucky enough...a blowjob before scooting off...

There's no in-between...no fine line that divides the Red Sea...a woman either laughs it off and continues datin you...or drops you off at the baggage counter...

I've always wondered why women never EVER fart. It's always a cool picture of composure that exudes from those pristine creatures we all wana get our dicks into...perhaps it's a woman thing...trained in the mystic arts of 'If-i-can-tolerate-period-cramps-tryin-to-look-cool-while-farting-is-chicken-feed' that's steeped in tradition...Until now i've only ever heard one of my gfs fart..and mind you...that was a post-coital fart...

When it comes to controllin a fart...ive never been able to pull a straight face..i mean...cmon...all you wana do is let it all out...but your butt muscles are contracted and tightened...the knowledge and embarassment of a hundred pairs of eyes on you is just too much for any civilised person to take...

Yes..im guilty of that too...both controllin a fart or lettin one of those 'silent-but-deadly' killers...at times...if i cant control it no more...i excuse myself to the washroom...blue-faced and all...and let all the mother of all emissions...

It's weird how men can derive humor from the gas that i reckon could give sarin gas a run for its money...they talk about their bowel movements as though it's one of life's simple pleasures...the fart jokes...to the 'Whose fart is louder' contests...it's a testament to why women always fail to understand us men...clueless and oblivious to the obvious bullshit men has to put up with in life...

So what's a harmless fart?

Rise and Fall

I shed a tear or two while showerin; i had headed straight for the bathroom after watchin Leeds' relegation from the English Premier League.

Lettin the water drape my body was a temporary relief...for my thoughts were only on the club...and the emotions that must be goin through the general staff and players right now...

Im not in much of a mood to talk bout football right now...but loggin onto Soccernet this mornin was an image that would always be plastered in my memory...Leeds' crown jewels...Paul Robinson consoling life-long Leeds fan Alan Smith...this image will be played over and over in the future...Leeds will never have it this good again...

You have brought passion into my life...

You have shown how life is to be played...

You have shared the happiest hours...

You have cried my darkest days...

The terraces of Elland Road are now empty...

The pride of Yorkshire is in tatters...

$20million TV rights is somethin of a memory...

Priceless is my affinity for you...

We will be back...

Brad's Story

Brad often fantasised about being in a situation where he would have to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a beautiful woman.

He wasn't a lifeguard, or even involved in any kind of medical profession. He was a carpenter. But he'd coaxed along his secret and unshakeable dream by taking a first aid course and refreshing the learned techniques daily in his mind ever since, even practising them on thin air occasionally.

He knew it was kind of stupid. He knew it was awful that he resented his wife's plain-ness. But he was one of those people who are sexually preoccupied. Too moral for infidelity and too cautious and sensible for prostitutes, his desire for spectacular-looking women was sublimated by such dreams as the one about giving mouth-to-mouth.

Brad was luckier than 99% of people who harbour unlikely fantasies are, in that his came true one day. A particularly dazzling young businesswoman was knocked out by an electric shock on a building site where he was working, and with an inexpressible relish that brought him to silent orgasm, he saved her life as he tasted the rich interior of her mouth. Unfortunately, the woman was a carrier of especially virulent hepatitis, which Brad collected from her in the process. It ravaged his liver and he died about forty years earlier than he would have.

ADVICE OF THE DAY: 'Always use a plastic mouthguard when giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!'

OMG I HATE WOMEN

Seriously...ive never been this vehemently anti-female in my life...and its just because I have really thought about all the ways that they suck today...nothing more...nothing less...

Im this close to sayin that ive never met or known anybody with a vagina that's been worthy of living...

In fact...I believe Im entirely justified in lumping them into a single class and stereotype...and since they're not a minority...i can live with that!

Im beginnin to have doubts bout my sexuality...

Time to turn gay!