Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit.

Blogger.com has done it again

My hunch proved right again...as Blogger has unabashedly selected another American blog as its 'Blog of Note'...i wonder what kind of signals and messages they're sendin out to the bloggin community out there...dont they realise that bloggin is a worldwide phenomenon and people DO pay attention to their dashboard...what is Blogger.com tryin to insinuate? That the good people from Europe, South America, Africa and Australasia cant write to save their lives? I beg to differ!

Or are the egocentric...ethnocentric...xenophobic...and all conquerin Americans reduced to thinkin the the Land of the Free is the only country in the world that exists? Oh wait...most Americans do think that way...be it their education system that promotes only the American history and failure to expose the children to the world outside...to the rednecks who grow up fuckin sheeps and milkin udders...or the absolute control the American media has over the world where news is fed with an American slant...can we blame them??

I daresay 90% of the bloggers in 'Blogs of Note' AND Blogger.com boardroom staff have never stepped out of that white-wash of a fagland...any of you fucktards proudly wearin the Star-Spangled Banner wana take me up on that?

Just a 'lil note...

Perhaps...one of the advantages of havin a blog that's written by humorist and lifestyle critique John Ng Xander with an aptly named blog of "Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit." is the unwritten disclaimer and understandin that the ideas and thoughts expressed herein are a product of the his unique way of processin reality and fiction....that...and his reputation of never been taken seriously for whatever he says or does (for reasons that's lost to him strangely)...comes across as the best gift in the world...or the biggest joke on this side of the Pacific...like a glitterin double-edged sword...i wish to profess the followin...to my lovin audience...please repeat after me...

"Anger is misdirected passion."

If that line is lost on you readers...then i must have sadly failed to process my neurons into palatable words over the last 11 months...

May I remind you that when I post about...ehm...say how much i dig wearin female lingerie...that doesnt mean that Im a freakin closet transvestite or prefer sex in a different manner! Really...one needs a sense of irony and metaphor to be able to deduce anything factual from the assorted inanities i dish out on a daily basis...what ever happened to writin as a form of vicarious experience or artistic license for that matter?

Oh well...this is not blog utopia and therefore anythin i write is always open to interpretation...misconstruction and deconstruction...that is what the glorified feedback/commenter system is in place for anyway.

Now say it or forever hold your peace.

All marooned with confusion

Is it just me...or is Maroon 5 the best thing to happen on radio and MTV since Britney Spears?

Ok perhaps the overt comparisons between the 5-men outfit and the trailer thrash blonde arent the most obvious...but then again...as stated above...maybe it's just me...

Has anyone not heard their smashin new single 'She Will Be Loved' by now? Or witnessed the incredulous and terribly confusin video of the same namesake?

It's gettin old...but i shall say it again...IS IT JUST ME?? The correlation between the beautiful lyrics and the video just doesnt add up...so the guy loves the girl...but pines for her mom?? He used to date her mom?? How does the dad fit into the picture?? He loves the mom but dates the daughter?? WTF??

Im on TV!

The Singapore Traffic Police is in the middle of its Road Safety Campaign...with this year's theme being "Arrive Alive"...it's a theme which my advertisin company had worked on...and somehow im glad that the hard work we put in is now readily digestable by the people island-wide...

It's some heavy advertisin and public awareness these silly government peeps are doin...i couldnt care less bout it...i believe i can cross the street at my own discretion and pace...and i sure dont need some random pro-Communist fuck from <--insert name of incumbent Singapore political party--> to tell me what to do...

The next phase of its advertisin doesnt begin for another few weeks...but ive been lucky enough to be privy to its angle...this time the campaign is aimed at cyclists...you know...how dangerous it is and all...

Imagine my surprise when ive been 'hired' as a talent by my company to appear in a television commercial (TVC)...it's a win-win situation...im an avid cyclist and a chance to appear on TV is just too good to pass up on...the company saves on additional expenditure and i get stay away from office for bout 2 days...cool beanz...

I'll be updatin my impendin 15 seconds of fame as it comes...ive no idea what it'll be like...imagine...gettin filmed at in public...woopee-doo...

Until then...watch this space...

Regret

Im sure ive written bout this before...but here i am again...writin about it...again...it's regret that im talkin about...is there anythin in your life that you regret? It'd be great to say that i dont regret anythin in my life but at this point...this moment...minute...second...in time there are things i regret. Decisions that were made...friendships that have been broken or swayed...the way my life has turned out in the last 8 months...the way certain things fall apart or were put together...my new job postin and its effects on my future...there are these things that are pressin on my mind...on my chest...that i just cant fix...i cant...for the life of me get my mind around it.

Regret is weighin heavily on me...i think im in an extremely poor mood right now...which is strange coz just 30 minutes back i was feelin extremely flustered and angry due to a gemstone relevation...i feel like i regret a lot in my life...even down to the achievements i have over these years...hopefully in the end...i'll die with no regrets in my life whatsoever...although...i have no idea how to get there...

While im on the negative aspects of things...when i seriously think about it...im such a flawed human being...everythin about me is wrong...what does she see in me? why do i have friends who care for me?...there's not one redeemin quality that i have that i can say that's particularly good...even the sentence i just wrote is flawed...it just doesnt work. My personality is screwed up...ppl will always misunderstand my intentions...my mind's screwed up...my friendships are screwed up (or i screwed up my friendships)...my lifestyle is screwed up (i cant seem to be able to have a life even with regular income)...workin habits...eating habits...sleepin patterns (i sleep too little!)...my vices...they're are all screwed up.

Yeah...i know what ya gona say..."That's what makes you human." Yeah...i know... it's just that i suck at being a human much more than most people. At least they have at least one thing they're good for/at...im always second best...devoid of love and care...not worth a second look...im just a black hole of resources...fuckin screwed up i tell you.

Just my 2 cents' worth...

Blonde with a book


Paris Hilton is the world's favorite heiress everyone hates (coz she's OMFG hot and rich and does stupid things to get noticed) and loves (coz she's OMFG hot and rich and does stupid things to get noticed)...she has officially outdone herself this time with the launch of her 198-page memoir "Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose"...

Her ability to sell videotapes aside...im slightly concerned at Paris's writin prowess...i just dont see Paris wieldin a pen as skillfully as she waves her credit card...but i doubt that's gona be stoppin her book being the most eagerly anticipated biographical work since Scumchester United Football Club's David Beckham's virgin attampt at a serious literary work.

It'd be interestin to see what Paris has included in her book...im hopin to get some scandalous details of her sex life with Rick Soloman...some fashion tips on 'How to dress like a tramp and get away with it'...dog-rearin skills without the whole 'Tinkerbell is missing' hullaballoo...how to act real dumb in front of TV...oh wait...she's blonde...ok forget i said that...

My eyes

You know what they say bout contact lenses...wear em to lose the nerd-herd look one portrays with a pair of glasses...as an infrequent user of a pair of RGP Hard lenses...im not qualified to testify to that...however...i do know that them RGPs are a mighty hard pair of plastics to adapt to...this one time...at Band Camp...i went without hard lenses for a month...choosin to leave my nerdy horn-rimmed frames perched on my nose...the day i had to put em on for a football game...i found myself constantly blinkin and droppin eye-drops to adjust to the sudden invasion of a foreign object in my eye...

1 month...that's all it took for my eyes to reject em hard lenses...i had to wear em for the entire week just to get my precious orbs hang a 'Open' sign for my visitin RGP lenses...

Ive been sufferin from extreme short-sightedness for 18 years now...i remember...back in my pre-school years...i would be lyin on the bed readin a huge Famous Five book with the light behind the book...watchin Sesame Street on my 14-inch family tv while seated just 3 feet away...or a combination of both...before i knew it i had difficulties focusin on distant objects...

My concerned parent brought me to the neighborhood 'eyesight guys' (optician and optometrist)...it was dismayin news no doubt...my eyesight had shot up to 400 degrees on each side and no amount of coercin could convince me to wear em...in my eyes...glasses are evil and are the most hideous accessories...simply put...glasses are make me look ugly...

So here i was...at aged 7...wearin a pair of telescope...i simply hated them...but pragmatism got the better of me...as it is i couldnt even read a book without pullin it closer to my face while strainin my eyes...

As one of the taller boys in class...i was sitted...where else...towards the rear end of the room...so while i found a constant urge to distant myself from the hideous object while takin down notes from the blackboard i realised the only way to do that is to whip em glasses out and copy my notes hastily before anyone could notice my temporary disfigurement...

Growin older...i still had the odd Plastic Hating days...but i had already gotten use to them by this time...my eyesight...unfortunately...didnt seem to get use to my corrected readin and google-box viewin posture...instead choosin to escalate on an annual basis...i found myself visitin the 'eyesight guys' so frequently it seemed like a social visit...hell if i had known i would have charged them some money on an hourly basis...i was probably their most regular customer...even prostitutes never had it this good!

In my late teens i began to see the need to wear contact lenses...my active participation in football (read: soccer for you dimwitted Americans out there) witnessed many a broken glasses...by then my eyesight has sky rocketed to an incredible 800+ degrees on each side...mighty heavy for a lad so young...technology then for lenses werent as advanced as these days...soft lenses...which i preferred due to comfort...didnt provide the necasasry vision that i needed...so i had to turn to hard lenses...

I still remember the very first time i had them hard lenses in my eye...it was like someone had stabbed my eyes with a hot poker and increasin my agony by leavin it in my orifice...i sat in the optician's reclinin chair...with my tear ducts workin overtime...i swore i would have removed my eyeballs if i could...a sudden intrusion of 2 foreign objects in my eyes would warrant that i guess...but i knew better...my eyes simply had to get used to the 'hard-ness' of the RGP lenses..

5 years down the road...with technology improvin...i chanced upon a funky deal in an optician's shop a couple of weeks back...soft lenses now cater to people with high astigmism and short-sightedness of 1100 degrees...all these years i havnt been payin much attention to soft lense products...there's no need to anyway...i was hell bent on utilisin the hard lens' key feature...that is to correct one's vision...and i must say my perseverance has paid off...these 3 years my eyesight has hovered around the 1050 degrees mark...i guess all these years of troublesome lens cleanin and dryness has indeed paid off...im all primed for soft lenses...

I dont remember what it's like to wake up in the mornin with perfect vision...sight deficiency is part of who and what i am...in fact i seem to enjoy fumblin for my glasses every mornin just to walk around the house...the times i misplace my glasses and spend 30 minutes lookin for them are just classic (lol)...my friends have been mortified at the extent of my short-sightedness...but i guess it's fair to say what i lack in sight (ala Daredevil) i make up in heaps with my personality...

Now...if that's not a good trade off...i dont know what is...

Steppin out...

...of the shower...i realised that im waxin lyrical of the addictive nature of bloggin...it has got to stop...it has to coz those rich billionaires reckon my beautiful blog's too vulgar for some greenbacks!

Bloggin - How beauteous it is

The beauty of a blog is only truly fathomed when you realised it's been almost 16 hours since you last showered...you fuckin reek of sweat and your odor could disperse a crowd geared for a riot...your face's oily enough to warrant a drop in these days of soarin oil prices and your dinner dishes still lie unwashed in the sink...all this for the unadulterated pleasure of readin blogs from far out lands and bloggin itself...

J.X.N criticizes Blogger

REUTER - In what is seen as another sly pot shot at blog engine extraordinaire Blogger...humorist and lifestyle critique John Ng Xander launched into a florid speech aimed at desensitisin the debaucherous nature of its selection of blogs that've been noticed been the friendly people at Blogger...representin and championin all brilliant blogs...these people encapsulate the note-worthy blog under a very unimaginative title...aptly named "Blogs of Note"...a feature that sadly falls short of xenophobia...

Speakin at the launch of the 2004 Summer Collection of his action figures at Madison Square Garden...John Ng Xander...dressed in his trademark de-constructed straightjacket and flip-flops...provided an astonishin anatomy of Blogger's corporate clout and denouncing those who have...over the years...relegated him as a has-been...John Ng Xander...in his usual fluid and half-delusional style...slapped all Americans in the face with his heartfelt plea at the extreme focus on non-Americans and America-themed blogs that constantly make it to "Blogs of Note" at the expense of more well-written and designed blogs...

Google

As any self respectin adult with the slightest bit of world-wisdom would know by now...our favorite search engine Google has decided to go public...with shares that began at US$85/share on the first day of tradin that ended at US$100.33/share...that's a fuckin 18% increase on day 1!!! Holy shit!...im no stock guru...but i gota tell ya...whoever possessed them shares on the first day has become overnight millionaires...if not billionaires...if anyone out there's readin my blog now and has at least US$500,000 to spare...go fuckin start a riot and buy them Google shares

Google is takin over the world it seems...it's like the McDonald's of the Internet...you know Google's takin over the world when:

1) Someone asks you if you know how many teeth there are in a giraffe...and you reply with a shrug, "Dont know mate...Google it."

2) You have the mini Google search bar located under your Address bar...it's so fuckin simple and easy to use...i know...coz i have it :)

3) The London Evening Standard...notorious for its technophobia...ran with Google's Gmail announcement on its front page of its April 1st issue this year...

4) And yes...Gmail has 1GB of storage...if that's not a challenge to Hotmail and Yahoo!...then i dont know what is...

Then you begin to realise...Google has really gone stark ravin mad when the bored billionaires decide to rake in even more money by tyin themselves up with Blogspot.com with a fancy feature called AdSense...suposedly...us bloggers are able to earn some dough from the links and entries other people read about on our blogs...i got pretty excited at the prospect of earnin some greenbacks...so i found myself readin the FAQ for a good 20 minutes...only to realise that there's a bloody terms and conditions for blogs to be met...

Pure blasphemy...here're the requirements for a blog to qualify for cold hard cash...

Site Content
Site may not include:

- Excessive profanity
- Hate, violence, racial intolerance, or advocate against any individual, group, or organization
- Hacking/cracking content
- Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia
- Pornography, adult, or mature content
- Gambling or casino-related content
- Any other content that promotes illegal activity or infringes on the legal rights of others
- Excessive advertising
- Pop-ups, pop-unders or exit windows that interfere with site navigation, obscure Google ads, change user preferences, or are for downloads. Other types of pop-ups, pop-unders, or exit windows may be allowed, provided that they do not exceed a combined total of 5 per user session
- Excessive, repetitive, or irrelevant keywords in the content or code of web pages
- Deceptive or manipulative content or construction to improve your site's search engine ranking, e.g., your site's PageRank

Site must also adhere to Google's WebMaster Guidelines, found at http://www.google.com/webmasters/guidelines.html or such other URL as Google may provide from time to time.

Wow...i guess that leaves me with...ehm...hmmm...the slimmest of mathematical chance of qualifyin no?

Gosh Google...look what you've done...by fillin up your wallets and protectin your reputation you've alienated the very people who made you rich in the first place...cant we all just get along?

Let's all make Sri Lanka our home (Director's Cut)

I am not a living-along-the-beach-person. Never have been. The idea of livin along a coast with the smell of salty sea lingerin in the air...the sun bearin down on me with a Franklin Roosevelt intensity and sand in my shorts and flip flops never did appeal to me too much...all that changed two weeks ago when i descended upon Sri Lanka's south-west coast for a short company trip.

Indeed...it's one of the best experiences of my life. Mention 'sun, sand and the sea' to most Singaporeans and the usual been-there-done-that of Indonesia, Malaysia and Thailand islands come to mind...never Sri Lanka. Im writin this now...to debunk that myth. Truly...to describe my 5 days spent in the tear shaped island is tantamount to multiple orgasms without the aid of Kegel exercises...the magnitude of the beauty that charmed the socks off me is only dwarfed by the number of superlatives i could possibly conjur up...

I've never been to Africa...we all know where it is...the Dark Continent's still very much the unchartered touristy destination as it is...but this was the closest i got to Africa...all 3500 km away from it...



The south-western coast of Sri Lanka...it turns out...is a major Sun, Sand and Sea tourist attraction. Stretchin over 300 km from Marawila, north of Colombo, the beaches continue through Negombo, stretchin south through Colombo, Kalutara, Beruwela, Bentota, Ambalangoda, Hikkaduwa, Galle, Unawatuna, Weligame, Matara, Tangalle and Hambantota.



Im gona make a very strong emphasis on the regality of the hotels and resorts that dot the coast...at times i feel as if the Sri Lankan peeps over-pamper their guests...over-compensatin for the country's borderline poverty...many times i sit in hotel rooms that has been allocated for us...with the distinct knowledge that just 500 meters outside the vicinity of the hotels lies Sri Lankans livin in disjointed shanties...ramshackle houses and unlit roads...and here i am livin like a fuckin King...

That fact didnt hit me like a slap to the face...but rather a gradual discovery as the days progressed...arrivin at a quarter-past midnight...i was reminded of the civil war up in the North-East that threatens the general safety of everyone...small pockets of bunkers lie along the perimeter of the airport...with vigilant soldiers standin with machine-guns...as a 3rd generation Singaporean...scenes like these are straight out of a Hollywood movie or Tom Clancy novel...as it is...southern Sri Lanka is as safe and as uninterested in its civil war as me datin a Mongoloid...

We were quickly escorted by our very knowledgeable host Dudley...his thick Singhalese accent took a 'lil while of gettin used to...at times i found myself strainin to understand what i classified as 'gibberish'...but noone's complainin...as a seasoned tour guide with a dodgy accent beats a tour sans guide anytime...

First hotel we're puttin up! The Colombo Plaza. Surrounded by 10 acres of beautifully landscaped garden and situated in the heart of the city...the hotel's near the business district and also in close proximity to the main arterial road and walking distance from the city center...major diplomatic missions and shopping malls. Understandably the hotel's ultra modern...with all the ammenities one would find...i kinda thought it was excessive...the hotel's catered for expatriates and tourists with no budget whatsoever...

The Colombo Plaza lobby...nothin too fanciful...nothin we havnt seen before...but still worthy of pictures...




The pool...pretty non-descript...considerin the pools im gona be visitin in the next few days LOL...and room...standard room fare...




The most outstandin feature of the Colombo Plaza lies not outside the hotel...but within its premises...a huge mural (or is that a fuckin carpet?) that spans 10 entire stories...quite a sight...




I came to Sri Lanka with a mind to rough it out...i must say i had no idea what kind of livin standards i would have been puttin up in...but havin spent a night in the comfortable Colombo Plaza...i can only say "OMG what a great hotel? Let's rough it out already."

The Colombo Plaza is available for US$110 a night for a double room. Breakfast inclusive. Batteries not included. LOL.

Havin arrived in Colombo at night...it was hard to make out the sights...i was anxious to take in what Sri Lanka has to offer...and my anxiety was uncalled for as we left Colombo Plaza right after breakfast...

The streets of Colombo leadin to the narrow windin roads leadin to the South was a cacophony of blarin horns...loud music...fearless pedestrians playin Russian Roulette with vehicles...stray animals (read: dogs...lots of it, buffaloes...even more of it, cows...enough beef to feed the entire American population for a year) wanderin with no particular intent...

That...is a police post...LOL? The picture on the right is a 'lil Buddha that sits in a shrine along the road. Religious deities and shrines like these are visible in all parts of Sri Lanka...they represent the 4 main religions of Sri Lanka...Buddhism...Hinduism...Roman Catholics and Anglicans...we must have driven past hundreds of them along the coastal road...it's interestin to see the contrastin religious beliefs of the local community...one moment it's Buddha...another moment it's Mother Mary...and was that Lord Vishnu i spy?




I felt an unspoken bonding on the road...a vibe i get from the locals as we drove...i made it a point to stick my head out of the coach for most of the journey...




...sittin in the comforts of an air-conditioned bus and lookin through a tinted window just aint cut it for me...the locals are incredibly friendly...as tourism is relatively new...the sight of foreigners whizzin past them in huge coaches as they go about their daily business are always an incentive to flash their pearly whites and wave at us...sort of like a "We appreciate your visit here despite our problems." One thing though...i noticed it's mostly the men who wave and smile without promptin...the women are strangely subdued...and even after repeated gesticulation on my part...the women only smile shyly and look away...i wonder if the culture deems individuality of women as blasphemous?

It's strange though...they say the rich and well-off are never truely happy...but the peasants...though poor and livin off their hands and mouths...are contented with what they have and are always willin to share...which makes me wonder what kind of people first world cities are groomin their citizens to be...New Yorkers...Londoners...Parisians...Tokyo-lites and even Singaporeans have alot to learn from these humble Sri Lankan folks...

Street vendors sellin their wares are a common sight...the sight of foreigners in a coach proved to be a huge hit with them...as we gamely bought food from them...














A greedy me decides to try out their fish and shrimp in batter...gosh they're fuckin tasty...wrapped in a piece of paper fashioned out of a magazine...highlight of the meal? A fish and shrimp meal costs just 40rupees (S$0.70 or US$0.40)...



The journey to our next destination Bentota took enough time for mushrooms to propogate from my buttocks...it's not too much the distance...it's not really that far...Sri Lanka isnt really big to begin with...but it's the windin roads that run parallel to the coast that kinda pissed me off...a great ocean view that doesnt warrant picture perfect moments coz we're in the coach all the time...at times i felt like walkin over to the driver and strangle him...

"Let us out of the coach to take some bloody pictures!"

The picture on the right's quite the quaint sight...that's a bloke sittin on a stilt actually fishin...i have no idea how he sits/squats on that...




We arrived in Bentota on the cusp of 2pm...it must have been a 4hr coach ride easily...dazed and confused from the mushrooms sproutin from my ass...i half-struggled to sit up from my coccoon position to find more mushrooms in the coach...fuck the ride's takin too bloody long...it feels like we're already livin in the coach...yeah...a 2-star Jetwing Travels hotel...what an experience indeed...

Gently pluckin the Shitake mushrooms from my ass with a view to cook em later...we find ourselves traversin along a narrow route that runs parallel to a train track...just seconds from an expletives-hurlin holler...i spied the coach pullin up to a funky hotel with an even funkier name...



WTF...i was always under the notion that the term 'exotic' applied only to how Asian women were seen as by stupid Caucasians with a serial brain deficiency...yeah...to all you white punks out there...yeah...the Asian women are 'exotic' indeed...their breasts smell of white lilies...their pussies have ornate carvings on them...their bodies are a shrine for holy prayers...yeah...'exotic' indeed...

Non to impressed...the weary travellers stepped out of the coach...i was just glad to stretch my limbs and take in some sunlight...as usual...we were greeted by the sincere smiles of the hotel porters and doormen...

Steppin into the hotel lobby...i began to make sense of the exclusivity of the hotel...the Taj Exotica sits on a 'lil hillrock...the slightly elevated position overlooks a long stretch of palm fringed golden beach and the lapping waters of the Indian Ocean...i found myself starin at contrastin scenes...while one side of the hotel faces the road...the other side faces the sea...one word: beach...

View from the lobby...





The waitin area...with an adjacent bar...bathed in sunlight...



Given our keys...we follow the directions that leads...



...to our rooms...with a view...OMFG what a view...



I fell in love with the place immediately...not wantin to leave...EVER...



We were given the afternoon off to do what we want...an option was given to travel the nearby river on a boat...takin in the sights from it...but John has common sense...he's not comin all the way here to ride some stupid boat...he's a 100 meters from the beach...all he wana do is tan...

And tan he did...spread-eagled on the beach recliner...



I gota say...im stunned speechless...the view was absofuckinglutely amazin...from where i sat...i could see miles and miles of trees...



...and beach...



The beauty of the Taj Exotica Bentota must have gotten into some people's head...as we even had a chance to catch the lovely weddin of a couple...



I guess they do deserve a chance with one another...how sexy and memorable it is when a woman thinks of the moment her man says "I do" in a resplendent backdrop of Bentota?



Fuckin magnificent...considerin where we were...



A lovely blonde approached me with a big smile...i thought i'd gotten lucky...to my dismay...it was only Stephanie (LOL...)



The sun and breeze from the Indian Ocean was a force to be reckoned with...i found myself burnt to a crisp red...takin the sensible route...we dipped in the pool to cool off...call me a country bumpkin...but a pool with an attached bar...Holy Mother of God...



That afternoon must have ranked right up my 'Top 10 moments of John's life"...honestly...nothin beats tannin topless in the sun with a view that keeps any mouth open...orderin drinks and finger foods from the bar...gossipin bout life (read: Stephanie's horde of admirers...life in South America...the beautiful nurse im datin in Melbourne...Stephanie's horde of admirers...music...Stephanie's horde of admirers....did i already mention Stephanie's horde of admirers?) many thousands of miles away...oblivious to the stares that we gave the mostly Caucasian demographic...

The group had to convene at 5pm for dinner...i found myself most unwillin to drag my yellow ass outa the recliner...honestly...who would??

Descendin upon the lobby...freshly scrubbed with a lobster hue...we decided to have dinner along the beach in a quaint shack that served up seafood to tourists...it wasnt too far...a 10 minutes walk away...but havin seen enough of the beach...i decided to take the route 'more' travelled by utilisin a cheap and public form of transport all Sri Lankans use...the oddly named 'tuk-tuk'...a 3-wheeled manifestation...tiny as it is...



...travels at relatively great pace...the key to gettin around in a 'tuk-tuk'...is to negotiate a cut price with the drivers before you get in vehicle...i was warned by Dudley that these drivers tend to overcharge tourists...i hate hagglin when it comes to dollars and cents...but i hate it even more if ive been short-changed...it's a good thing the driver's a really nice bloke...so we agreed on a 100 rupee trip...it takes 2...so my room mate Bryan clambered into it...

Sittin inside with the breeze to my face...i had a good 5 minutes to breathe in the salty sea breeze that's layered with exhaust fumes and finely crafted furniture from emboweled timber...



...takin a picture from a 'tuk-tuk' that's zippin around proved to be a relative hassle...Bryan and i had a massive ass-ache...someone should fit suspensions in these 'tuk-tuks'...

A really nice bloke the driver is...



We dropped off a trail that leads to the 'seafood shack'...and stumbled upon a beautiful train track that seemed to mirror the trees that line along the beach...



Stretchin for miles and miles...the track stood there like a silent pallbearer...waitin in solitude for its turn to play out its responsibility...safely transportin caskets of livin beings in trains that arrived once every 5-7minutes...i'd wanted to hear the roar of the train as it raced passed me...so i waited patiently for the train to arrive...


Walkin over to the 'seafood shack'...very charmin 2-storey hut that obviously hasnt been patronised for quite abit...the waiter had us waitin for a good 2 hours for the food to arrive...an hour to hire cooks and waiters...and another hour to cook up a storm...non that we were complainin...there were enough sights to keep us occupied...

The silence that we've all gotten used was disturbed with a distant rumblin...for awhile i had a terrible Jurassic Park premonition..."WTF is that?" Then i realised i was just being silly...the train had arrived...runnin out to the tracks...the train emerged from the distance...a smooth deep roar of wind and tremblin of the ground greeted me...i dont quite think ive ever been so close to a train travellin at full speed before...even T-Rex couldnt have kicked up such a fuss...



The ramshackle hut that doubles up at a seafood joint...



The dinner took forever to arrive...so i snuck downstairs for a casual smoke of weed...i must say...it's my virgin attempt at the strangely sordid lookin plant...rollin the joint was easy...and smokin it was even easier...the frantic poppin of the seeds that were embedded in the joint only made it more comfortin as the fragrant smell of marijuana filled the room...it didnt give me any high...it tasted just like a cigarette...so i inhaled deeply...fully enjoyin the experience..."That's it? That's nothin at all!" i thought to myself...

Then it hit me...15 minutes after the joint...i felt very light-headed and a massive inability to concentrate...i knew where i was...conscious is the word...i could still walk in a straight line (very nearly not)...but i felt extremely flighty and euphoric...as if i was floatin on air...i remembered being very happy and wantin to take on life's unanswered questions...constantly blinkin and shakin my head to shake off the effects...

I remember too...that i almost had a panick attack...last thing i needed was to go up to dinner lookin like ive most my marbles...but fuck...i knew my marbles were already lost...i began to see strange manifestations and visual effects...things that didnt exist or happened were playin out in front of me...i began to imagine things...i cant remember what happened in the next 30 minutes...but several days later...Stephanie...who sat next to me...told me i had the classic 'high' effect...i was tellin everyone in the table to STFU when all they did was whisper in my ear...i'd imagine they were yelling so i joined them in the yell-fest...God...come to think of it now...i just made a complete fool of myself...but hey...it was a jolly good experience...i can now officially join the hippies' code of 'Peace, Love and Flowers'...

Sri Lankan cuisine must be heavily reliant on tomatoes...dinner was a tasty if somewhat tepid affair...fresh shark meat with tomatoes...fresh tuna with tomatoes...i know there were other dishes...but i was too incoherant and inebriated to remember...all i knew was the existance of lotsa tomatoes...

Headin back...everyone decided to get sloshed on booze...and how else to rid ourselves of the toxic agents than a night at Taj Exotica's very own club! The very aptly named:



Yeah...My Kind of Place...yep...we lived to tell the tale...what tale? A tale of silly dance acts and clownish behaviour...i daresay we put the Caucasians...all dressed up for a night's out...to shame...





Coz...we simply could not have humiliated ourselves more...the dance moves we had...even John Travolta would've been proud LOL...all of us woke up the next mornin not knowin what hit us...i cant speak for the rest...but i felt like my head was a permanent fixture on somebody's punchin bag...

The Taj Exotica is available for US$130 a night for a double room. Breakfast inclusive. Batteries not included. LOL.

Headin west towards our next destination the Yala Safari...we found ourselves growin yet more mushrooms from our asses as another 4 hours drive took centerstage...it's so fuckin annoyin...why cant we just fly...then i was told...there're no inter-island flights in Sri Lanka as the Colombo Airport is the only airport...grrrreeeaaattt...

Highlight of the drive...the southern-most point of Sri Lanka...nothin fanciful...but worth notin:



It's interestin to see the contrastin vegetation as we drove along the South coast...to the inlands and arid plains of Yala...it was visibly more sparsely populated...very very dry and hot...as we entered Yala...i was told that the region is currently experiencin a drought...hasnt been rainin for over 4 months...Yikes!

We drove inland yes...but i was pleasantly surprised when presented with the hotel we were puttin up in...the Yala Safari Game Lodge turned out to be facin the sea...more than just a lodge...the hotel almost transported me to paradise...



That's the view of the sandy beach and sparklin sea from our room...

A platform leadin out of the balconey...it reminds me of verandas...somethin you dont see alot of in Singapore...





With a hammock to boot...



The rooms are very sparsely furnished...no TV to speak of...but the basic ammenities are all provided...i guess the management has taken the idea of wildlife a tad bit too far...*gasps* no TV??? OMFG...i want my MTV...my Star World...my HBO...god this place sucks...hehe...

A basic feature of all hotels by the sea which ive come to take for granted after the beautiful Taj...is the seaside/beachside pool...



The Yala Lodge kinda brought out the 'outdoor' in you...everythin bout the hotel screams "Let's get rough and dirty...while being pampered"...it's like imaginin the jungle meetin the lagoon...meetin the sea...with rustic charms abound...

Less than a kilometer away lies the entrance to the Yala West National Park...







With an area of over 120,000 hectares...the park is one of the few remainin places in Sri Lanka where elephants still roam free...there's a massive amount of wildlife that congregates and convenes within the savannah...i was kinda taken aback at the huge number of tourists...as far as im concerned safaris are always at its best when its infrequently patronised...the animals are free to roam and exhibit their animal-ness (is there even such a word lol)...for me...the evidence of elephant and leopard tracks on the dusty roads mean little to me as the 4WD jeeps that ferry us around do get careless and scare all the cretins away...i would have preferred it to be less busy and more romantic...Yala National Park may have its detractors...includin me...but it's still the most animal accessible game reserve...

In all honesty i dont know why tourists and newpapers make such a huge deal over the park...drivin around the park for half a day is one thing...but to sit inside the jeep that's being baked alive by the 33 degrees Celsius heat...inhalin dust and dirt kicked up by roarin jeeps all around you...with absolutely no worthy animals to speak of whatsoever...is simply not worth the effort...unless you're a big fan of random and frequent sightings of peacocks and peahens...ya better off remainin in the Lodge itself...even the elephants takin a casual bath in the fast depletin pool barely got me battin me eyelids...

Seriously...the jeeps have scared them animals away...the Government really has to reduce the number of tourists...



Then it happened...and suddenly...the hours we spent traversin the terrain with jack shit zero to see was well worth the effort...for we chanced upon a herd of elephants crossin the road trail...gosh...they're just 20 feet away...i could have jumped out and touched them...and risk losin my life in the process lol...







Egads! Amazin...we were one of 2 lucky jeeps to have caught such a magnificent sight...trailin behind the entourage does have its perks afterall...

As we rounded off the trip in the park...we were driven to an odd occurence...as far as common sense goes...a safari does not sit adjacent to a beautiful beach and sea with a huge rock formation juttin out of nowhere...then again ive not been to Yala West lol...coz that's exactly what lay before my very eyes...



Such a huge rock of sheer beauty...scalin the rock took no effort...but observin the view from the rock took all my breath away...





Somehow the magnitude of charm and beauty cannot be felt from these pictures...the 'aura' just isnt there...i guess sometimes a picture can only tell so much...one has to be there physically to feel the joy i felt...

Had it not been for the rock and the elephants that crossed the trail...this would have been my impression of Yala West National Park:



That's right...elephant turd...

You dont realise how much dirt's kicked up and settled on you until the mirror projects an image of you...ya all brown and somehow ya hair's taken on a new golden sheen...a wipe of ya face reveals this much cover that'll have M.A.C cosmetics and her likes scramblin for cover:



All in all...the trip to Yala was a pleasant experience...lack of animal sightings aside...i can now honestly claim to have been in a safari...no longer would i have to watch National Geographic and Discovery Channel with envious eyes...

The Yala Safari Game Lodge is available for US$90 a night for a double room. It would cost more for rental of a jeep and trained guide to bring you around the park. Breakfast inclusive. Batteries not included. LOL. (ok maybe it's not so funny anymore...)

Makin our way back East...the same road we travelled a day ago is now an expressway for to our final destination...the Dutch port of Galle. I made light work of the scenes as we whizzed by the locals...

Kids goin to school...



Huge deity overlookin a market and temple...





A busy bus interchange...



We were lucky to catch these fishermen pullin in their nets...i hope they've had a good catch...



Then there these coconut trees Dudley told us about...you see...they are all connected by ropes that the locals climbed up to for the extraction of coconuts...and traversed within...can you imagine that? From tree to tree? At that height? Eek...



Not far from Galle...we stopped at the fishing port of Tangalla (or Tangalle) for lunch. Tangalla's situated on one of the finest and largest bays in Sri Lanka...thus it's not surprisin that the port is a popular destination for fine beach...good swimmin and divin...view from the beach of Tangalla Bay Hotel...



From the top of Tangalla Bay Hotel...



There's this funky chair that seem to be ubiquitous throughout Sri Lanka...maybe it isnt...or perhaps im just a huge ass frog in a well...but this...i call it the pregnant chair...is fuckin everywhere...swivel arm action on both side of the arm-rests...i was still wonderin what it was...when i was told that it's for restin ya legs...WTF?? Your legs?? Ok...leme try...

Before John:



After John:



Fuck i swear...midwives and gynecologist ought to use this...smooth delivery guaranteed...

The locals that reside around the hotel were either hawkin their hugely overpriced seashells (they were beautiful though...) or impressin us with their coconut tree climbin skills...this bloke...is 40 years old...fuck...he climbs and has a body of a 25 year old...

Here he is at the bottom of the tree...i think his job's to pluck coconuts...i mean...if ya earnin 50 rupees (Singapore $0.80 or US$0.50) for every god damn coconut ya pluck...ya a fuckin rich man mate...NO WORRIES BOUT MONEY NO MORE!



I can believe he's climbin that high just for 50 rupees...come to think of it this bloke's fuckin nuts...



For special and personal reasons...i was firstly tickled pink...then strangely happy when we drove into and out of the southern city of Matara...



We stopped by a market where local produce was sold...as if by default...even the market has a picturesque view of the Indian Ocean...wow...







We were hassled...albeit slightly...by the locals for money...ive read enough to know not to give them anythin...for no matter how poor and pathetic they look...there's only so much you can give...last thing i need is to start a chain of events involvin kids and adults appearin out of nowhere with their hands cupped...beggin me for a couple of rupees...

The people...however...were genuinely interested in us and very friendly...i had half a mind not to take this picture...you know street people...they may be poor...but they know what to steal...and in this instance...it's my camera...



Arrivin at Galle in the late afternoon...we were ushered into the formidable lookin Lighthouse Hotel...



I was told by Dudley that the concept of Lighthouse was inspired by the majesty of the old Dutch Fort that's situated just a short drive away...



...Did i mention the Lighthouse is ably designed by Geoffery Bawa...i guess it's one thing to have a great lookin hotel...but it's not everyday your hotel's designed by one of Asia' most sterlin and reputable designers...i knew i was in for a treat...i believe i would save my breath and just let the followin pictures fill you in...

From the sculpted metalwork balustrade that circles the spiral staircase upon enterin the lobby...





...to the room that's fit for a King to live in...i mean...cmon...a walk-in wardrobe and bath area? Spoil me already...







...the rooms have a splendid view of...just bout everythin one wants when he dies 50 years from now...





...with paths that lead to the beach and pool...





...to the magnificent view of the ocean from the restaurant...



...which ultimately brings me to the untamed beauty of sunset from the Lighthouse...



Gosh!! Too many emotions!! Too many butterflies in my stomach!! Bring me back there already...

Then again...you can bring the Sri Lanka out of a posh hotel...but you cant bring the hotel out of Sri Lanka...on 2 occassions we were reminded that we're...afterall...still in Sri Lanka...where the tap water is unfit for drinkin and the electricity...well...just dies on you...not once...but twice did the electricity fail while we were dippin in the pool at night...the hotel must have an back up power plant of some sort in the area...for the electricity went back up almost immediately...i barely had time to reach out to the nearest innocent woman and *voice trails off* LOL...

Leavin Lighthouse the followin afternoon was akin to takin a hammer out of a Dwarf's hand...i had absolutely fallen in love with the place...the hotel is listed in 2004's Small Luxury Hotels Of The World and is highly rated locally as one of the best in the business...the hotel has a reputation for being able to deliver whatever you ask for...the word-of-mouth reputation is unquestionably the most sought after prize any F&B outlet could crave for...and the Lighthouse thoroughly deserves the reputation...

The Lighthouse Hotel, Galle is available for US$218 a night for a double room. Breakfast inclusive. Batteries not included. LOL. (ok it really isnt funny...but fuck it...lame jokes always gets to me...)

Drivin back to Colombo Airport...i was intrigued at the way locals drive...i must say...Sri Lankans are either the worse drivers in the world...or the best...or at least right up there with the worse/best...i thought ive seen the worse...or is it the best...in Singaporeans...until you put a Singaporean along the Sri Lankan roads...they'll always think that a horn is just a signal to fuckin move when the light turns green...coz over here...nary a minute goes by without our trusty coach driver honkin his fuckin ass off at just bout every vehicle...i think horns here are a sign of friendship...whiz past a cyclist that was dangerously close to the coach? Horn...narrowly avoided a vehicle that was comin towards OUR direction? Horn...



I cant believe this...a traffic light!! That's not in workin condition!! LOL...



See what i mean...our coach is in the OTHER lane...and the driver isnt the least bit flustered...wtf...



More evidence of superb drivin skills...



My trip to Sri Lanka was a multitude of emotions that varied from emotional highs to even greater emotional highs...simply said i could not...have not...and probably will not be able to find the appropriate words to describe the sheer beauty of Sri Lanka...look up a thesaurus for the word 'resplendent' and that's how i would've described the journey...true...ive not immersed fully and acclimitised myself with the authentic Sri Lanka way of life...that is...to rough it out...skip the fashionista hotels and live on the cheap...but how else to experience the charm of the island without leavin with a distinctively good impression? Everythin...from the hotels...to the friendly people...to the bountiful sights...sounds and smells...was just about perfectly boiled to the right temperature...i could not have been more convinced by the country even had i not visited the sheer class of the Lighthouse...the rustic but able Yala Lodge...the beautiful Taj Exotica...or the modern Colombo Plaza...the people here...eons away from the earnin class of Singaporeans...hold so much more genuine friendliness and warmth from the cold and fake Singaporeans ive grown to become tolerant of...there're some sticky points...such as the exhorbitant rip-off Taj Exotica made for a 5 minute overseas phonecall i made to Melbourne (Singapore $35??? Cmon...who ya kiddin...) or the heart-thumpin drivin of the locals that got me sittin on the edge of my seat...

Then again...if all else fails...there's always the basic reason why i fell in love with this country...for this reason alone...i'll visit Sri Lanka again...fuck i'll recommend it to everyone out there...give the usual hang outs a miss (as stated in my 2nd paragraph) and do give this island a chance...

The beautiful and unspoilt beaches...