Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit.

Paris's latest Summer fashion spread



Eh...yep...it's confirmed...i get a fuckin hard on just thinkin of Paris...lookin at her gets me...*gasps*...gosh...excuse me while i clean up the sticky mess...

Woolamaloo

The author of a blogsite i frequent regularly wrote bout me today...or rather...he responded to a comment i quipped on his previous post on 26 July...

It's a good thing Joe of Woolamaloo Gazette didnt seem like the kind of bloke who's easily irked by words and numbers...to his credit he defended my criticisms on white people with a charm not seen around this part of the world...Joe does seem like a genuinely friendly lad who's easy goin and just wana make friends...

Kudos to you Joe...you have my respect...nary a white man has stood up to me with such affability when thrown into adrock2xander's Acerbic Gauntlet...

"Get out of jail" card

Bout damn time...

Actress/millionaire/teenager Mary-Kate Olsen...one-half of the Hollywood power siblings the Olsen twins (as if you dont already know) was discharged from a treatment facility over the weekend...

Lookin at the picture...i still cant tell one Olsen from the other...but why bother...I can fantasize bout both Olsens givin me a blowjob again...oh joy...

Liberals

"Their opponents will tell you we should be afraid of John Kerry and John Edwards because they won't stand up to terrorists. Don't you believe it. Strength and wisdom are not opposing values."

Bill Clinton rocked the Democratic National Convention last night...that strength and wisdom line was straight out of Pat Morita's (of The Karate Kid fame) Big Book of Wise Phrases...I know people love to hate Clinton because he's a slutty southern genius and that's intimidating...if none of you have read his amazin interview in the June 28 issue of Time then ya a bloody redneck...Clinton probably isnt able to guzzle down a pint of beer in 5 minutes...he's never ever able to smoke another cigar without think Lewinsky...he's never ever gona win a game of chess with you coz he's already thinkin how he can get you on your knees...but you sure as hell know that he'll give you the feeling that he just might be able to charm his way into your daughters' and/wifes' pants.

Im no American...and i daresay im not bout to pick a camp when it comes to American politics...fuck Democrats and Republicans...seriously...both of em factions should just STFU and take a look at the more important issues that both administrations can rectify easily...yet...just watchin Clinton harkin back to his old days...and speakin like the good President he used to be...i realised being a Democrat and being liberal (and southern...coz ive always had a thing for Southern Belles lol) doesnt mean ya a fuckin pussy...

Just like how i live my life...being a liberal just means that ya optimistic and careful...not blind or weak (read: some anachronistic faction here in Singapore *ahem*)...more than that...it means ya never gona take shit from noone...let noone take shit for you...and always stand up to what you believe in...being liberal is so much more than a belief...fuck...for me...it's a fuckin lifestyle...

Late

Fuckin Monday cant possibly start off with a better reason called LATE...you know ya gona be bloody late when you miss ya 8:45am bus while ya hankerin after it from across the road...you know ya gona be bloody late when you wait 10 god-damn minutes for the bus...you know ya gona be bloody late when it's 8:55am when you board the bus...you know ya gona be bloody late when ya still in Serangoon area after 20 minutes...you know ya gona be bloody late when you arrive in the office at 9:50am...

The Carter and Hilton story goes awry...

Says here...Nick Carter and Paris Hilton have broken up...awww...cry me a river already...

Did Nick actually think he'd broken the hearts of millions of girls when he started datin Paris? No. Paris literally broke every straight men's heart when she dated this bleached-blonde mop of a no-talent...Nick has zero talent...zero looks...zero fashion sense...and zero credibility...

Nope...im not jealous...

To think...Nick has the audacity to quote: "This is the time of my life."

But of coz! Any men would say that if he'd Paris bouncin off his dick in bed...

Lookin into my crystal ball...i see a sex scandal brewin between the 2 of them...i mean...what's Paris gona be without sex tapes...Internet and bad dates??

The Simpsons (no...not that Simpsons)

And just when you think one Simpson sister isnt enough...another comes along...

Well at least Ashlee isnt as big a space cadet as Jessica is...well honestly i havnt seen any classic examples...but im hopin the chicken and tuna episode will never appear on tv again...the world doesnt need another dumb blonde...

Ashlee's foray into MTV-dom with a regular series comes at a really opportune moment...now that Jessica and her hubby Nick Lachey (of 98 Degrees fame) have announced that the 3rd season of Newlyweds would be their last...coz seriously several years of marriage cannot possibly constitute as newlyweds yeah? Guess the Simpson family simply have to be in the lime-light...handin the reins to young Ashlee...mmmmm...masterstroke no?

Must say though...ive been lucky enough to catch her on The Ashlee Simpson Show (when i have time!) and not once did i detect a whiff of air-headedness from her...Ashlee's taken the initiative to color her hair black (that's worth 10 brownie points by itself) and publicly announcin that she hates Jessica's music and pop...

I guess years of actin as Cecilia in 7th Heaven have toughened her up...youth church singer or not...Jessica only burst onto the scene when she was 16 or 17...whereas Ashlee has been around for eons...i remember tunin to 7th Heaven just to watch Jessica Biel prancin around in her tight jeans...yes i used to watch 7th Heaven...sue me?

Personally i think there's just too much exposure for the Simpson sisters...music/tv/mentally-challenged stars they are...but they arent good role models for young kids out there...consider Ashlee's...and Jessica's face job...i mean WOW they sure were ugly back then huh!

I dont know...but im guessin Jessica went for a boob job too...hello???

<------ Check out the size of her boobies!!

Im already thinkin...

Jessica's boobs:"Grope me Grope me!"

John's hands:"Grope you i will!"

Mmmmm...Jessica's boobs...

Mornin realisation
 
Ok...i think ive discovered the secret to the new WYSIWYG text-editor...

Turns out it's not a bug...BLOGGER.COM just simply failed its basic duty to include a category that goes somethin like "Changes to the new text editor and how to post"

Dont leave
 

John's totally biased guide to pickin up women and look cool with them

I've decided to give my 2 cents worth to all my friends out there regardin an interest that's close to my heart...these friends are:

1) my friends in Singapore...
2) those who've just returned from studies overseas...
3) acquaintances who've known me for less than 2 hours...
4) friends of acquaintances...

Droppin a very dead-pan line that goes somethin like this:

"So how are you able to be so comfortable/flirt/make a strikin impression (i shall call it the C.F.I factor) with any women? How do you do it?"

And so it goes...

First of all...head to a place with women John wants to get some C.F.I...it has to be in a place where i enjoy hangin out...Borders bookshop at the junction of Orchard and Scotts Road...Books Kinokuniya in Takashimaya Shoppin Arcade...a toys or comics shop...HMV...good and stylish boutiques...vintage shops and even a large supermarket are a good bet...it's a sure fire way to start off a conversation if you can chat up a woman with similar interests...John always looks for a woman who holds her own against a backdrop of similarly luminous-lookin women...a woman who thinks avant-garde > the latest Spring collection of Calvin Klein...that way John can be assured of lookin good at all times...brand names dont matter...besides...John isnt lookin to hook up with rich chicks...he just wants to get a good fuck...

Also... avoid women with an averse fear of eatin certain kinds of food or poultries...Vegetarians and Vegans are all alike...they all worship the devil...God made Man to be overlookin other animals in the food pyramid...to go against that callin is to lie to yaself...and John hates liars...

Next...tell yaself that no matter how dumb the woman is...never ever concoct...fabricate or twist some stories or fact bout yaself to ya advantage...John hates liars...but he also hates hypocrites...women love men who're confident bout their abilities...but never over the top bout it...it makes them realise that the man they're datin is borin and fat. If John want to date a hot chick who plays a music instrument...dont lie and say you were once in a band...but tell her that you hold a Grade 5 certificate in piano (which is the truth hehe...) and can do a Michael Buble or Jamie Cullum (which is also true hehe...) This is a sure fire way to drive any woman wild as all women want to be romanced and treated like a queen...this ploy works very well with smart and intelligent women...they'll find ya candor and sensitivity very exciting...

If the woman has a strong ideological stand point or religious belief...walk away from her...dont talk to her anymore...she's just goin to end up being bad in bed (for women who dont believe in pre-maritial sex)...irritated by her incessant diatribes bout somethin you absolutely cannot give a fuck about (for women who watch Chinese dramas)...most women's problem is that they worry bout not lookin good or are just plain fat...dont worry about this...tell em how fat people can get accepted by normal (read: thin) people...give them examples of women who fall into the category...quote Roseanne Barr...Oprah Winfrey...to name a few...and ya sure to impress them with your world-weary knowledge...coz honestly John cant think of 10 Singaporean women who knows anythin outside the Hong Kong and Chinese entertainment industry...sure.. you'll get rejected for being an arrogant prick...but it's no big deal if you remain totally oblivious to anythin Chinese (again...the truth) coz somewhere along you'll definitely find a woman who doesnt care bout what you think or believe...

When John's alone in the hotel room with his prey...the woman may be hit by an anxiety attack..."What if John thinks im fat...ive cellulite...will he like my B.Js?" Never fear...John removes the awkwardness with a simple chlorofoam-soaked cloth that's forced onto her face...chokin and knocked her out...leavin her in the room with no memory of the events leading up to this unfortunate instance. Now...you have the entire night to pleasure yaself...at ya own discretion...and never havin to worry if she swallows...

Also...never EVER feel insecure coz women wouldnt wana fuck you if ya unsure of ya orientation or self-esteem...do not be afraid to make the first move...unless you like the person and want to get to know them...the main thing is to convince the women that ya worth their time...if ya still hopeless and lookin glump and distinctively clueless in a club...all is not lost...choose from this list:

1) Buy a dog...walk it...and baby it...women love men who walk their dogs...sure fire way to tell them that this man loves animals...and women LOVE animals...
2) Borrow your baby niece or nephew for a weekend...dress it up in funky gear...and bring it out while shoppin...women would think ya a succesful single father who juggles his job and his baby as proficient as British PM tells a lie...women find it extremely attractive...the baby breaks down the barriers...and when the charm of the baby dies...the woman would turn their attention to you...
3) Tell the woman you wana sing a song. Not any song...but in particular...just one song...prop her down infront of you...whip out the guitar...and start wailin like a love-sick raccoon to the words of Extreme's "More Than Words"...that song will get you any woman...guaranteed...
4) Tell the woman that ya gettin an inheritance in excess of millions of dollars in several months' time...if she doesnt believe you just direct them to a dodgy lookin Eastern European website written in excellent English with your family's picture on it...the women wont be able to speak or read John's English anyway...so they're gona believe you...

So there...a gist of how i get my women...now go on out and get laid already...

Bigger than Vanity
 

And yes...while every fuckin stool out there struggles with BLOGGER.COM...ive decided to abandon it in search of greener pastures...eh...greener sites to keep me occupied....but when i stumbled upon this i simply had to post it...

Now everyone knows who Monica Belluci is...i dont even wana waste my breath on fuck-faces who have no fuckin clue who she is...this is how she used to look...pre and post Irreversible (unfortunately i cant fuckin add a link to the controversial movie...due to OBVIOUS reasons...):

And now...ladies and gentlemen...i present you...a heavily pregnant Monica Belluci...in a recent issue of Vanity Fair...lookin very...ehm...big...Jesus...check out the size of her tits...i'll have a field day there:





























I wonder how heavy her kid's gona be...tippin the scale...i daresay...bout the weight of her jugs? *chuckles* :

Motherhood anyone?

 

 

 

Fuck you BLOGGER.COM and angry women...

Ok before i start on my post...i'd just like to tell BLOGGER.COM that their brand new WYSIWYG test-editor FUCKING SUCKS...it's too user-friendly and fuckin HTML noobs can post...edit and load content effortlessly...to think i spent a good 4-5 months learnin HTML...on top of that IT'S SO FUCKIN BUGGY...i cant even add URLs now...for fuck's sakes can the brainchild behind BLOGGER.COM please fuckin patch this current edition...

On the bus home last night...while driftin in and out of sleep...Avril Lavigne's latest single ‘My Happy Ending’ wafted through my thoroughly cleaned ears...now ive heard that bleedin single for perhaps the 2,340th time...but somewhere in the back of my head...somethin cleared...and i had an ephiphany...i sat up from my drowsy posture...and thought...

"OMG...wtf...why didnt i see this comin?" Is Avril Lavigne...God bless her...the next Alanis Morisette? It's not hard to see the similarities...

1) Both hail from Canada
2) Both crap bout PAIN in their songs
3) Both crap bout BREAKUPS in their songs
4) Both crap bout RELATIONSHIPS in their songs
5) Both crap bout HEARTACHE in their songs
6) Both crap bout LOVE in their songs
7) Both are talented with instruments
8) Both burst into the scene at a tender age
9) Both became overnight sensations with their debut LPs

Is it me…or are Canadian women just very angry???

Btw…Alanis Jagged Little Pill is still one of the few albums that I play in its entirety…I simply cant skip a track… hands up if you love "You Oughta Know", "Ironic", "Hands Clean", "Hand in my Pocket"....*voice trails off*

Eyelashes
 
I've discovered somethin...

The eyelashes on my left eye are longer than the eyelashes on my right eye...

Coz...my glasses get wispy lashes prints on my left lens all the fuckin time...

Whereas my right lens goes scott free...

Fuck spectacles...

The world must unite against spectacles...they're an unnecessary evil...it must be rid of...

Tour de Melbourne

Ive fallen in love with a girl...before i left...i never knew...now that im back...i wished i'd always known...how could i have been so blind? The most beautiful girl's out there...yet im totally oblivious to it...
 
Ive fallen in love with a girl...refreshingly breath-takin...a sight for sore eyes...it's been 5 days...yet i could still smell her perfume on my clothings...her bewitchin jewels catches my wanderin eyes...her ample bosoms cradlin my wounded heart...and her tender touch restores my broken esteem...
 
Ive fallen in love with a girl...and her name's Melbourne. 
 
You know how people always say that men do the silliest things when they're in love? Yup...that's me bravin the 13 Degrees cold in my Byford top...just alongside Flinders Station...wtf was i thinkin...jesus...:
 

 
For the uninitiated...here's the Grand-Daddy of stations...what a charmer...ehm...ignore the retard in the foreground:
 

 
Well i wasnt always so excited to remove my clothings...to think...just several days back...i was bored stiff while on transit in Kuala Lumpur:
 

 
Seriously...payin slightly less for hours of unnecesary boredom and futile entertainment just aint worth it...the Malaysian government's gota do alot better...i mean...seriously...if easily-amused John's fallin asleep...then you've got a problem...
 
Well it wasnt always such a bore...it's the little things that remind you that ya never far from home i.e: bad English...check this out:
 

 
Laugh my fuckin ass off? Hehe...
 
The flight to Melbourne was a real drag...note to self: Never fly Malaysian Airlines again...EVER...
 
It's a good thing my nightmare ended at 7:30am Melbourne time on a Saturday mornin...the scene that greeted me at Tullamarine (spellcheck anyone???):
 

 
It's fuckin winter and i gota tell ya...it took me awhile to acclimatise to the cold...that's the new Hilton the Aussie government has erected for tourists...if you ask me...i'll NEVER stay there...look...if im on a fuckin holiday...i have no fuckin wish to be reminded that my flight back home is only across the road..i dont care if Paris is a star in a porn flick that has proceeds to charity or anchorin the second season of a laugh-a-minute reality series...i dont need a hotel magnate of a Daddy to be famous...and i definitely dont need to star in a show to become famous...

So what's a guy to do when he's in a freezin hell-hole? Take a fuckin fag!:

That's me takin a stroll at leisurely pace in Victoria's Market...a A$2.50 cuppa latte of the appropriate sweetness in ya left hand and a cigarette on ya right...takin in the sights...think Singapore style pasar malam (Malay for night market) minus the humidity and bad English multiplied by huge doses of friendly Down Under chumminess...these guys play at Vic's Market every Saturday mornin...ehm i know becoz i was there for 2 Saturdays?

Ahhh...blokes-lookin-very-Gypsy always catches my attention...hive of activities aside...these guys always have a sizeable crowd watchin them play...pretty much like how moronic Singaporeans gawk at traffic accidents...you name it...the crowd's got it...children...tourists...couples...families out on a Saturday mornin...even dogs...

Candy's pretty big in Melbourne it seems...they've ingenious ways of presentin them candies...this one shop in Vic's Market takes the cake:

That's a fuckin dough of an oversized candy being rolled into shape by a very handy...eh...handyman...he cuts them into bite-sized morsels for us mortals with regular-sized mouths...very very cute...oh and did i mention he entertains questions as well? Dont suppose we can expect the same friendliness back home...

Walkin along the streets of Melbourne is quite a treat...graffitis here are always a sure-fire way to turn my head...well perhaps it's a novelty to me...i dont get to see any back in our impoverished Singapore...this one's no graffiti...rather an overtly subtle (lol...) message that screams:

Funny shit hehe...

The city area of Melbourne is where it's at...to be seen...and to be heard...often the tiniest of streets can be a treasure trove of sights, smells and sounds:

This corner's where young and restless Melbournians vent their colorful inner-selves...arts students in the know come here for wacky inspiration...music videos are shot here...and just when you think the motifs gets dull after a while...they are changed once every while...really really cool...

Graffiti on the wall and im not in it?? Cmon...let me be the star for a day...

That's my beautiful friend Crystal who's on holiday with me...her boyfriend Gavin's very much into photography...and he's taken this series of B/W shots...colorful when colorless no?

 

You really have to walk around Melbourne on ya own time to know the city...no offence to tour groups...but i daresay ive discovered more of the city in a week than tour groups would in 2 weeks...i mean would they chance upon scenes like this right next to delicious Italian pizzerias and cafetarias...

People actually took up seats in the cafes:

...ordered food and warm drinks (fuckin absolutely necessity)...and watched them play...it's a real charmer...coz i did that too...

The trees here are ridiculously appealin to me...you dont see sheddin trees like these back home...

Or this...

The branches form a thin veil of brownish green...you can actually see through them wispy leaves...angsana trees can lick my hairy butt crack...

There are weird sights...then there are just weirder sights...cmon...how do you explain this?:

Gender segregation? Political move? Apathy for women? New hangout for women alcoholics? Unwed mothers? Only God knows why it's there...

Travellin around Melbourne is a breeze...i got around the city on trams and trains...i must say though...it's rather expensive for single trips ...i was wise enough to buy the weekly pass for...ehm...A$20+? Ya guaranteed unlimited trips on the trams and trains with that ticket...trams are another source of constant fascination for me...back in my teens i was always aware that the only cities in the world that still uses trams are a form of public transport were Los Angeles and Melbourne...lately more cities in Europe (Milan and Vienna for example...) and USA (San Diego, Memphis and Portland to name a few...) are startin tram services from scratch...but nothin beats the real deal...it's authentic...the romanticism of a century old mode of transport never fades...

Rides are also very very comfortable...the trams stood out for me...Melbourne has generally very wide streets and flat terrain...so there werent any acute slopes or turns to negotiate...and those tram drivers actually know how to drive...*coughs* Singapore bus services *coughs*

Trains are pretty much the same...the stations are well lit and marked...

Fast and comfortable...i took to it like duck to water...cant say the same for the occasional drunk farts who board the train to harass the innocent passengers...i was unfortunate enough to be at the end of a unnecessary sing-along session...hey i handled myself pretty well for a first timer didnt i Crys, Gav and MicheLe? :)

Drivin here was a pleasant surprise to me too...i must say ive not heard a single blarin horn goin off from errant drivers...they're very polite...signallin and givin way when needed...the roads are well used by cyclists all decked out in winter wear...a genuinly funny sight...coz truely...as a cyclin enthusiast...im well aware of the dangers of unnecessary weight...on a side note...did i mention my heart almost lept at the traffic system here...cars here drive on the left side...which is nothin new...but when they're turnin to the right...they keep on the outer-most lane while signallin to turn right...holy shit! And fuck...how da hell was i suppose to know a blinkin red man = you can still cross? LOL...i suppose the picture below illustrates what i said mostly...notice the vehiecle in the background turnin right...what a cracker...outer-most lane...

A cold winter in Melbourne to me means only 2 things: 1) Dress up warm and 2) Eat eat eat! Food here in Melbourne is a gastrafuckinnomic delight...i dont know...perhaps it's the utter and complete decimation of all things Chinese eateries here in the form of food centers...no fuckin tasteless chicken rice or what-nots...instead it's replaced by huge portions of everything. Nothin new here...but i simply had to gorge myself silly from all things Italian...Greek...Indian...Thai...i ate like a fuckin King...and i spent like a fuckin King...food here may come in huge portions...but they're very very affordable...which startles me somewhat coz the cost of drinkin water and regular Coke is an utter disgrace...you know im right when alcohol costs less than them...lmfao...funny shit...

Proof that garlic breads in Melbourne> garlic breads in Singapore #1:

Just eatin that would make you fool...eh...full...

Proof that pastas in Melbourne> pastas in Singapore #1:

That's a mountain of pasta there...and mind you...it's only entree size...if ive ordered a regular...or large...*shudders at the thought*...

Proof that pizzas Melbourne > pizzas in Singapore #1:

Thin crust supreme with a chockful of everythin on it...i didnt measure...but it must have been at least 14 inches...and it costs like a pittance...A$18 i reckon...

Proof that pizzas in Melbourne> pizzas in Singapore #2:

Fuckin toppings galore...chef spares no dough...every part is covered with mushrooms and ham...OMG im hungry now...

Proof that pizzas in Melbourne> pizzas in Singapore #3:

Totally unrehearsed...the chef holds up that thick wad of juicy pizza...and did i mention he's friendly too? Singaporeans? 'Nuff said...

Now ive never failed to stress my weakness for olives...i eat olives in every imagineable state...raw...cooked...split...pruned...salted...in martinis...so ive asked the floor manager for extra olives for my meal...and when he came back with these...it was proof that Italian joints in Melbourne> Italian joints in Singapore #1:

I was laughin so hard when he served me that...ive never been served so many olives in a 'lil bowl before...what a nice bloke...friendly and generous...again...somethin Singaporeans should inculcate...

Speakin of olives...i simply have to mention my other olives experience...it's on the 2nd day...and i got hungry...so i stopped by at Subway for my favorite Steak-n-Cheese footlong sandwich...i dont know if this is what all Subway employees in Melbourne do...but if this is how they treat all Subway lovers...i should buy some Subway shares...why you ask? I'd almost given up hope on Singapore Subway...coz when i ask for extra olives...their idea of 'extra' mean 2-3 more olives...ludicrous...but over here...when i asked for extra olives on my sandwich...the cute girl behind the stalls gave me this:

Me (almost delirious with delight): "OMG...i ordered a footlong Steak-n-Cheese...not a footlong Olives sandwich!"

Cute girl behind the stall peers from beneath her Subway visor rather coyly and laughs...

Thank you Subway for reinstatin my faith in with your sandwiches...*bows and worships*

For an hour or so on a cold Saturday night i was standin on the tallest office building in the Southern Hemisphere...the Melbourne Observation Deck  in Rialto Towers soars 253 meters into the Melbourne skyline...and i simply couldnt pass up on this chance to catch the city from atop...

The lift takin us up takes exactly 40 seconds:

Steppin out...the most spectacular sight this year greets me...i dont know if it's a pity or not...but i'd gone at dinner time...this picture would have been clearer in the day...but then again you cant get a scenic view of the night lights in the day:

Awesome...man-made infrastructure challengin the forces of nature...the violents whirls of the wind could be heard despite standin inside a safe glass wall...steppin out of the safety into the open air observation deck was just bout the best pick-me up anyone'd need...the cold winds and howlin winds make conversation almost impossible...i had to shout just to get my point across...at times even hold my beanie to my head...yes...hold...the wind was that strong...pretty amazin...when you consider a private function's being held at the Oriel Room...just 10 meters away from imminent doom...

Back at ground level...you can never seem to avoid food...food in Melbourne keeps callin out to me...like a hot chick spreadin her legs...invitin me to take her...ive heard that the best hot chocolate in Melbourne lies in a quaint chocolate shop callin herself Koko Black...

Situated in the Royal Arcade...Koko Black's non-descript appearance belies its wonderfully crafted chocolates that are so fuckin affordable...at A$80 a kilogram i could eat like a fuckin King all day everyday...

The Royal Arcade...note Koko Black at bottom left of picture:

Step into heaven here:

Standin outside...you can watch the chefs' make the chocolates through the window that faces into the arcade...the chefs' laborous tempering sequence to get the texture of fine chocolate was fascinatin...just observin them was a lesson by itself...i began to understand just why the cost of first class chocolate is so high...Koko Black's chocolate in 'lil vials:

Like a jewellery shop... all the chocolates are displayed in glass display cases that roll in and out...what a choice way to select your engagement gift lol...freaky:

But of coz i came here for the hot chocolate...after only incessant 'Cmons' and immense amount of self-control did i manage to pull myself away from the chocolate displays and sat myself down with a plonk...im glad i sat...coz when i tasted the hot chocolate...i thought i'd tasted heaven...

Im no chocolate connoisseur...and i dont know how they made it...but it's made from the fuckin real thing...it's smooth...it gets along well with my palate...my lips enjoyed touchin it...my tongue lapped it up like a hang-dog lookin for a hump...and my fingers just couldnt let the cuppa go...one word: SINFUL.

No trip to Melbourne is complete without a day trip to the Great Ocean Road...nope it's not even complete if you think it...coz NO! YOU CANT THINK IT! IT'S ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY PENCILED IN YA BRAIN! Ya a dumbass if you dont!

These days trips organized by local tour agencies are a steal...dependin on the period...you pay anywhere from A$75-A$120 for a very knowledgeable driver who drives, talks and jokes to the group bout just bout everythin Australian...the drive's very scenic...if somewhat lengthy...the first half of the trip was rather unpleasant for me...i had the misfortune of whachamacallit...eh...bus-sickness? Ive never been prone to motion sickness in my life...so it was a rude shock to my system...

Scenic stops are plentiful...but no scenic pic is complete without Yours Truly:

Perhaps this is a better shot?:

Or do you prefer a close up?:

LOL...ok this is just obligatory...for all silly nature lovers haha:

Perhaps a shot taken further out would suit your primal instincts?:

Or...just me clownin around?:

Or me 'peeing':

The Great Ocean Road is...hands down...the most pleasantly unforgettable journey in my life...the road that loops like a roller coaster along the southern sea-cliffs of Victoria at times threatens to overwhelm me...it's a trip of epic proportions...the voracious waves that roll up from the Antarctic just 4000km away to gnaw off great chunks of the continent threaten to consume the very road we're travellin on...

For the first time in several years i could put things into perspective...everythin in my life dwarfs in comparison to what im experiencin...you realize that what troubles you have are so bloody insignificant...true nature is a destructive monster...but at its best there're simply no words to describe it...

The route...roughly 500km long...spans much of the  southern coast of Australia... drivin along the coast is to set out upon a map of promises... grand forests and old guest houses... great surf... rolling pastures...sea mysteries and shipwrecks. We'd stopped by the sleepy town of Apollo Bay for lunch:

Just off the road is the beach...1 word: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....icy cold wind...dont say i didnt warn ya:

To think it used to be a former whaling port...i cant see it bustlin with any activities whatsoever...it's so quiet...but charmin in it's own way...i reckon there're more tourists makin stop-overs than residents *chuckles*:

Then again you didnt think you'd spot bars like this in sleepy towns:

Or offer a delectable choice of fish for your Fish-n-Chips:

It's another good hour or so worth of drivin before we reached the Twelve Apostles...much have been said of it...and ive read and heard bout it many times...indeed it was quite a treat...from our observation platform the gale threatens to blow me off at times...gosh i wished i hadnt lost any weight! Need more ballast:

It's funny...coz i swear...i dont count 12...in fact i didnt even count past 2 digits...where did the rest go!?!?!?!? LOL:

Leavin the Twelve Apostles with a heavy heart...i wonder if i should go back to Elementary School again...damn if i cant even count to 12.......

No holiday would be complete without a trip to a local club for John...I'd the distinction of enjoyin the lyrical prowess and beats of R&B but never comprehendin how anyone could dance to it...and since R&B is HUGE in Melbourne...i decided to check out one of the best (no?):

3 hours later...i left the club...not a clue the wiser...God bless people who dance to R&B...geme my House anyday...

Then...there're the occasional WTFs that pepper anyone's trip...this is one of them:

I fuckin hate Singapore...to see the word Singapore is worst than the Black Death that plagued Europe centuries ago...to see the word Singapore while im on holiday in a foreign country is a fuckin insult to my intelligence...so to make my point...here's a vehement finger in the air to XXXXXXXXXXXX and all things XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX close up:

This year's collection from the National Gallery of Victoria for the Melbourne Winter Masterpieces  is The Impressionists...now im no fan of water color art and its cousins...but a chance to be around works of arts that date back centuries is too good to pass up...i left the Gallery with 2 pieces of funky art that's gona look bloody good in my home (note to self: Please frame the pictures up the next time you talk about them coz ya just gona look like a fool if you dont...people are just gona think ya makin this up.):

Cabs in Melbourne are numerous...ferryin people to destinations quickly and safely...the ridiculous jumpin of the meter aside (yes im sure most of you already know that...ive heard so many stories of it...but to see it was an eyebrow-raisin experience in itself...fuckin A$0.10 every 5 seconds!)...the cab drivers are just the most wonderful people...almost every cab ride i had was helmed by an affable and gregarious driver...crackin jokes and spoutin lame one liners...fuck...some could have be stand-up comedians if things had worked out for them...this bloke below is Josef...he's a Czech...and he was lamentin at his country's failure at Euro 2004:

Bring Your Own (B.Y.O) wine is somethin of a culture here...comin from a non B.Y.O land...it was very very pleasin to see restaurant NOT charge corkage for every bottle of wine...B.Y.O shops are abundant...most are walkin distance from restaurants...it's a real pity Singapore doesnt practice this...yes wine isnt consumed as widely here...but fuck...how da hell is Singapore gona become world-class when you charge fuckin $20 per bottle for corkage???? This owner of a B.Y.O shop was kind enough to let me take a picture of him...i tried to get behind the counter to snap with him...but he flatly refused...guess it's against the law? I get tired of mentionin it...but again...he's another friendly and easily approachable bloke:

There's just so much more to these pictures...i can only describe them in words...i can only frame them with displays...but the true joy is to experience Melbourne yaself...they say Melbourne is "The world's most liveable city." Havin spent only 8 days there...freezin my ass off...eatin my guts out...drinkin my bladder full...decked out in 4 layers all day everyday...poundin the streets with gusto...breathin the cold air...watchin the vapors form when i exhale (yes that's very fascinatin to me lol)...watchin movies at inflated prices (A$13.50 for Super Size Me? Cmon!)...travellin to the outskirts of the city (im sorry...but Dandenong's a tad bit TOO slow for me hehe)...talkin to the friendly locals...i learnt a 'lil more bout myself...the world out there...and restored some sanity...

Melbourne can be brutal...it's relatively fast-paced, the people can get downright weird and somewhat xenophobic (then again...doesnt that exist everywhere?) and the weather doesnt let up be it summer or winter...but if you take in the sights at your own pace...and never lettin touristy attractions distract you...ya gona have the biggest ball of your time...

Till the next time i see you my love...you'll always be in my heart...

"And im leavin on a jet plane...dont know when i'll be back again...":

Im comin home Singapore...did you miss me?: