Tuesday, April 11

 
Sex With David Beckham ver 2

The Misfit

As promised in the last post, this is the final version sent out to the editors. And yes, i really did have sex with him.

"Sex with David Beckham

In early 2004 I had a one night stand with David Beckham. This journal entry was made in the morning of June 7 2004, in the aftermath of the David Beckham sex scandal.

Dear Diary,

I’ve held this to my chest for too long. I’m fearful of the repercussions. Fear of arbitration, the rejection, the ostracisation, the seclusion. I would rather be thrown into the gas chamber or herded into a leper camp. The fear is too much to bear. I hope the world knows where I’m coming from. For every man worth his salt, in times like these, no doubt would they succumb to delights like these.

I've slept with David Beckham.

Like Rebecca Loos and Victoria Beckham, I’m tall, dark and slim. Together with my girlfriends I’d met David in a place called the Buddha Bar. I'd a bad run-in with my neighbour's cat 2 hours before. She couldn’t stop mewing and it distracted my watering of my fake plastic plant. I was feeling crappy, so I got my girlfriends together and decided to hit the clubs for a night of wild abandonment.

Who's to know David was present at this opportune time? There he stood in the V.I.P area, all manly, golden-bronzed and finely textured like well-crafted hand-made Chinese noodles. He was sipping on his Martini and had a couple of 'distinguished' gentlemen with him. They must have been fellow footballers of Real Madrid Football Club as they're seated in the most expensive area. Bulldogs of bodyguards all decked up in sunnies and mini-microphones mill around them. Even George Bush isn’t that well protected.

Thank god my friend Maria knew one of David's friends. After a brief sojourn to the bathroom, my girlfriends were ushered into the V.I.P area after some very raunchy frisking of my body. No parts of my body was left 'unfrisked', not that I was complaining.

I Rather Make Love To A Sheep

David turned out just the way I’d thought. Rude, cocky, loud and unashamedly proud of his old bastardised football club Manchester United. I’ve got to tell you, if he weren’t so good looking and rich I would have been looking elsewhere. Besides, I’ve heard rumours of David being a legend in bed - I was anxious to debunk that myth.

Seducing David wasn’t difficult. Cuddling up close to David was a no-brainer. The real challenge was trying to hold my breath every few seconds from the venomous vile fumes of his breath. I had to constantly look away from him, at his less endowed friends no less, for some respite and fresh air.
So after some mucking around, the entire entourage headed back to the hotel. David was getting the screw over from his mates to pick some of us out to spend the night with. I stood there pouting my swollen lips and flaunted my assets and before I knew it David was under the sheets with me. Thank god I had some breath mints in my bag. My olfactory senses were working overtime from David’s halitosis.

For all his vigorous sucking, stroking and pounding, David just couldn’t get me interested and aroused enough. I remember telling myself, "What an absolute bummer.”

But not before I woke up in the morning to find a fat cheque of US$10,000 on the bedside with a note that said: "Tanks fo de sax. U wer veri good." GOD! Not only can he not make love, he can’t spell. If he weren’t a footballer, he’d have been a bricklayer. Or something.

The Sanctity of Marriage

On a more serious note, this is my 2 cent's worth on those women who claim to have slept with David. For starters, Rebecca Loos is a cross-eyed retard who can’t swallow a load as well as she can’t drum up replies to ‘Knock-Knock-Who's-There?’ jokes. This vicious, calculating little tramp is just another in a long line of media-savvy prostitutes attempting to besiege the rich and famous for their own private little gains.

Of course, little Miss "Loos Lips" has no respect for the sanctity of marriage or any kind of appreciation for the consequences her ridiculous behaviour may have on her victims. Point to note - has she ever taken a look at herself? In the mirrors to start off at the least? God she's DOG UGLY. So is Sarah Marbeck and every other sorry-ass buffoon i wouldn’t shed a tear for.

I couldn’t give two hoots about David Beckham or any other celebrity for that matter, but I cannot stand to see parasites using the media as a tool to whip up a campaign of scandal and lies just for a few minutes of fame.

I’ve no doubt they're both calculating, vindictive and back-stabbing bitches who would grossly exaggerate any dealings they had with Beckham in order to substantiate their claims. Women like these must be lobotimized immediately. At all costs.

I strongly encourage anyone in a similar situation to use all legal avenues available to stop shameless attention-seeking whores (sounds a lot like me haha) and trouble-making hoes who persist in making malicious accusations from interfering with a person’s private lives. This shows how far society has degenerated. I mean, can anyone take these women seriously? Even if their preposterous allegations contain any element of truth, one or both of them still had an affair with a married man. Just a tad immoral is it not? Assuming the worst, is "Big Bad" Becks entirely responsible anyway? Surely these women are adults and are therefore entirely responsible for their own actions. If any of it is true, perhaps they would’ve been more inclined to keep their mouths shut.

John ‘adrock2xander’ Ng is a Leeds United fan and absolutely abhors David Beckham and Manchester United. He’s rooting for the Czech Republic and Australia in the World Cup and reckons England will crash out in the first round."

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