Tuesday, September 13
adrock2xander wishes to inform readers that the followin post is rather risque...so if you've been returnin to Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit. for more thought-provokin reads...you're at the right place...but if you're here to ridicule and mock...the stand-up joint is just down the road...
Ive never written bout it...but 2 months ago i'd finally embraced my Asian-ness...it took me 26 years to find it...but hey...at least i found it...
Why am i writin bout it now then? Well...why not? :-)
In one of our more interestin lectures earlier last week we were shown a video on gay Chinese Australians and their struggle to be accepted in the traditionally 'white' gay scene...titled 'China Dolls' it's produced by Australian film-maker and writer Tony Ayre...who very conveniently is gay himself...
The video affected me in many ways...firstly...Tony's identity crisis had him questionin himself and skin color...ive spent my whole life tryin to figure what the fuck i am...i mean...ive got Asian features...but i dont feel Asian...i like to call myself a first generation English-educated Chinese Singaporean...i grew up immersin myself in the 'western' culture across all forms of media...books...music....fashion...lingo...day-to-day etiquette...you name it...ive opened myself to it...so much so that i began to lose my 'asian-ness'...i dont speak much of my Mother Tongue...i abhore Asian values and the culture...and most importantly...i hated the way i looked...
Secondly...Tony's attempt to answer his questions had him hangin out exclusively with his white friends...the hate and ignorance that exists in society can be very pervasive...in the same vein as Tony tried hangin out with white folks...i absolutely hated to speak my Mother Tongue as there's a common believe among English educated Chinese Singaporeans that it's of a lower class...im not goin to argue the merits of not speakin it...but i can tell you it got so bad for me i even pretended to not speak my Mother Tongue when the old Chinese lady asked me for directions...
Thirdly...the way Asians were classified in the gay scene was very myopic...it had a lot to do with the media representation of Asians in general...i actually felt a little heat burnin down my neck while watchin the video...i really could use some white journalist to beat up...
Forthly...in a period everyone could identify with...i'd spent 2 weeks datin a man in my 'experimental' years...there was nothin to it...he was a gay Asian who liked the way i look...thoroughly enjoyed my company and just really liked hangin out with me...in hindsight i was glad i dated him...coz that's when i realised i had bisexual tendencies...
I guess i consider myself lucky to be completely conversant in English...few Singaporeans have the capacity to speak proper English in the face of overwhelming Mother Tongue and Asian-ness...just like how the gay Asians had to put up with derogatory slangs such as 'Potato Queens' or what-not...i had to endure years of 'racial' and 'linguistic' abuse from the very same people who identify with me - fellow Chinese Singaporeans...
Perhaps im over-reactin...but when some low-brow Asian walks up to me and starts callin me a 'eat potato' (literal translation of how Caucasians eat lotsa potatoes)...it stokes my fire and ruffles my feathers...ive had arguments with narrow-minded Singaporeans over this...but hey...my final partin shot...it's not my fault if the Klingons fail to understand you (read: you're just stupid)...
The problem with Asians livin in a white man's world is this...white people almost always look at Asians as linguistically and physically inferior people who come from very poor countries...white people see Asians as people with yellow skin and/or slant eyes and immediately associate them as immigrants...honest and hardworkin fellas they are...but immigrants nonetheless...the fetus that was implanted over 2 centuries ago is havin a really hard time removin itself from the womb...
There simply isnt enough media representations of Asians available to white people...everyday we're bombarded by images of white people in magazines dressed in their white clothings...we're told the chiselled-jaw white model is the ideal face in a moisturiser ad...a white model sells underwear...a white model sells chicken soup...a white model is the spokesperson for a new range of makeup...
A lot of the blame has to be put on the Hollywood's money grabbin industry...the protaganist is never an Asian...Asians are the perennial sidekicks and compatriot to the archetypical white hero who is 'good lookin'...Asian men are depicted as asexual (think Charlie Chan) who speak a smatterin of English...they're not projected as desirable or capable of performin sexual acts...Asian women are ALWAYS shy...eager to please and a white man's idea of a fetish...someone pass me an aspirin already...i know of so many HOT, SEXY, BOLD, IN YOUR FUCKIN FACE, SMART, INDEPENDANT Asian women who'd not think twice to give a white man's groin a good knee should they start thinkin otherwise...
And dont get me started on Jackie Chan, Jet Li or Chow Yuen Fatt...3 pathetic Chinese actors who cant string an English sentence even if their gongfu or gun skills depended on it...yeah...and not all Asians know gongfu...dude...if im in fuckin trouble...i dont go 'AYE YAH!'...rather i turn...and i run...
In Tony's video he described he was judged by ‘the predominant rules of Caucasian Western sexual attraction...Asians were behind Black and Latino men in the scale of things'...white people's idea of beauty in a gay society apart... that phrase makes complete sense in any branch of society...like ive explained earlier...Asians are never given complex and character-driven roles...but i think Asians are not too far away from that role...it will happen sometime this century...
I think the turnin point for lesser races arrived in the year of 2002 when major actin awards were handed out to 2 blacks in Halle Berry and Denzel Washington...say what you want...minority or not...blacks and latinos have conquered the Hollywood market in terms of representation...this is excellent as a positive foothold on what was traditionally a very white dominated Hollywood always bodes well for other skin colors...it hasnt always been this case...when Denzel was robbed of an Oscar for Malcolm X in 1992 i almost swore off movie-watchin...but look at the number of blacks and latins makin inroads into the industry...many...such as Will Smith and J.Lo arent looked upon as 'immigrants' or 'outsiders' but as legit moneymakers who are a force to be reckoned with...then again...J.Lo looks almost white...but im not goin there...
If it took the blacks and latinos just 50 years to break into the big time (Sidney Poitier became the first black movie hero in 1950 with his masterful portrayal of the black doctor who was accused of killing a white man's brother in No Way Out and indeed was the only black man to have ever won an Oscar last century)...then the Chinese (and Asians in general) have not long and far to go before a 'slant-eyed single eyelid' Asian has a breakout role in a Hollywood production (Jackie Chan tried in the mid 1980s with The Big Brawl and subsequent efforts with disastrous results)...
I never found the fascination with 2 women fuckin their brains out with dildos...what's so fun with 2 pussies when there's a dearth of penises in the flick...whatever happened to good old-fashioned porn such as a MAN and a WOMAN gettin it on like it's the last fuck they'll ever have? For years ive subscribed to the notion that there's a little bit of homosexuality in everyone...as much as a gruff footy player who's O-Ding on steriods or testosterone may disagree...i believe that...just like how humans are not meant to be monogamous...humans are never born heterosexual...my relationship with the gay man was never truly sexual...to him...my presence was of great benefit as he often worked long hours and just needed someone to make him laugh...mutual respect and healthy dose of humor and intelligence always helps...i had a peek at what is a very misunderstood identity that until this day...is being condemned by religious and political leaders...my take? Let's get religious...how can the Bible be right when Christianity is an occult? Agnostics and atheists need not reply...
I have a little belly that looks like a little bowl when ive eaten too much...im not drenched in muscles...in fact im just a normal...rather atheletic human being...does that mean im ugly? Im Asian...but strangely enough...i have a healthy dose of hair on my chest...does that make me less Asian? Im Asian...but i have oval eyes and natural double eyelids...is that bad? Im Asian...i have a naturally broad face and slightly round nose...does that mean i don't speak English? I have 'yellow' skin...and im from Asia...but are you surprised when i outtalk you in perfect English? Would i be 'betrayin' my Asian roots if i try my darndest to talk, act and dress like a white man? Am i betrayin my Asian roots if i do not conform to society's expectations of what an Asian is like?
I had to leave Asia to finally find my true self...away from the bureaucratic Asian hypocrites who wouldnt give me a chance or thought i was just another 'white wannabe'...truth is...i wasnt happy then...coz i didnt know what i was...
The joke's on me though...coz i only found contentment and peace within myself in a white man's world...as much as the Asian stereotypes are still abound...i can speak English the way i want without being judged...i can behave however i want without being ridiculed by the traditional Asians...i will choose the friends who see me for who i am...not what i am...
I'll never in my life lose my Asian values...i wont forget them...but it doesnt mean i'll practise them...it doesnt make me more White...but it doesnt make me less Asian...
Im just adrock2xander. Sue me.
So...who's up for Asian takeaway tonight?
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