Friday, July 22

 
Confessions of an Emotional Wreck
adrock2xander is 5 months 23 days without a cigarette.
Profitting BIG TIME through eBay: 161 days left.

There comes a point in the relationship where it's not all honey and lollies...

micheLe and i had one of those coupley talks today...she ended up cryin buckets and sobbin into her favorite pillow...and i...in spite of my earnest and franks confessions...felt so terrible and somewhat guilty...

It's like being honest has its pitfalls...who would have thought?

Ive been livin with micheLe for almost 6 months now...and contary to what many people think...livin with someone is a very claustrophobic experience...on the good days the perks are really worth lookin out for...the fact that micheLe's always physically and emotionally there for me...havin someone to hug or just make cute gestures at is really quite charmin indeed...

On the bad days i feel like micheLe's just crampin my space and my style...before comin to Melbourne ive spent 25 years of my life sharin a room with my brother...i never did have a room to myself...it's complete liberation to have a sanctuary that you can call your own...comin to Melbourne was liberatin...but to live with another person within four walls is a case of deja vu for me...

Sometimes...i feel pressured by micheLe to stay in the relationship...i feel like i need to perform duties or take her to a fancy holiday just to appease her...micheLe's driven by sensual emotions...and can get very attached to me...clingey is the word...

I feel a sense of loss and failure when im not able to provide for her...sometimes i feel like she doesnt seem to understand my financial situation...i may be an adult...but i am in a foreign country...and that incurs heaps of expenses...as much as i want to take her to Fiji to suntan or the Great Barrier Reef to snorkel i am limited by what's left of my budget after the essentials (read: rent, food and the likes)...and what's left is one to be sneered at most times...fuck i barely have enough for myself...

There's a common misconception in Australia that international students come from fuckin rich families and have a giant pot of money that you could bathe in...oh yes a rather large percentage of them are...but the rest are just ya regular peeps whose parents fork out A$30,000 a year just to finance and see their children through universities while forsakin their retirement fund...

There's no high life and fast cars...i take the tram and keep an eye out for odd jobs...i eat simple and frugally...nights out are kept to a minimum...the moments i pamper myself are a result of 2 weeks of absolutely NO SPENDING...so yes...i just bought the awesome
Dynasty Warriors 5...and yes im gona fuckin take my time to play it...coz i saved a month for it...

But i digress...

Money aside...i feel that im not doin enough to make micheLe happy...many times i wonder what she sees in me...my wonderful personality...wit and charm will only get old after a while...im 26...almost broke...severely misunderstood by his parents...ostracised from his home country...i feel like a fuckin homeless man sometimes...what can i possibly provide for micheLe? Perhaps i should seek asylum lol...

Im not wantin a breakup with her...she's just the most gorgeous woman...you know what's the sweetest thing? When micheLe wakes up from bed...opens her eyes and peers out from beneath the sheets...gosh i can do cartwheels on the spot...can anyone be more allurin???

The relationship's in a transitional phase now...the intensity's still there...but it's strangely more subtle and different...i no longer feel the need to grab her and pash her full on...there's just this occassional need to do that...i dont want her to be apart from me...but i dont want her to get too clingy...coz that's what she does best...cling...

Come to think of it...i have so many things to look forward to in Melbourne...ive been given so many oppotunities to shine here...opportunities that would never have been presented to me in the current Singapore regime...ive got this brilliant radio gig...im a Student Representative in uni...im scorin good grades...i'll be writin for the Melbourne Town Council...im popular in uni...my girlfriend is beautiful...so why am so unhappy? Is somethin missin in my life?

Fuck this is so not me...im not one to write bout my emotions...Outrageous. Beautiful. Misfit. is never bout my weaknesses...why am i being subjugated and a slave to it...why...

Perhaps this blog...and maybe even my relationship...needs a new direction...

Not feelin too good now...

I feel like lightin up a cigarette...


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