Wednesday, January 14

 
Im so depressed...

It can get very depressin when u've been jobless for a long period of time. My search for a full time job is now into its 4th month. Ive heard too many whistle blowers tellin me to find a random job while continuin my search for a writin job...temptin as it may seem i cannot afford to work a job that doesnt add credit to my portfolio...yes the odd jobs will pay for my insuarances, bills and feed my stomach...but no im so close to a job now...i can feel it...what with the internship offered by JUICE and IS magazine...and a friend's recommendation for the writer of LIME magazine...my burgeonin portfolio needs to be cultivated and fed well with more works...and sometimes when i awaken from my slumber...i can still remember the dream i had...a dream so vivid that while in my trance like state i honestly thought it was real...yes it's a dream of me holdin a writin job...teens and regular work peeps flippin through a magazine and readin my works...they may not acknowledge my name...but it's such a proud moment for me...the only satisfication i can derive is the mass consumption of my works...ultimately money is the real reason...but im a realist...writers dont earn alot...those who proceed to books and volumes of journals are the luckier ones...let's not even get started with the rare few who have the chance to write screenplays for Hollywood productions...that takes the cake...

I doubt i can stay at home much longer...just idlin my time away kills my sanity...i look out of my window everyday and see throngs of ppl headin to work...and think to myself "Gee u lucky buggers"...ppl complain how much they hate their workin life...how they dont get along with their colleagues...how they wished they could take a break...but they never really think on the flipside...there are ppl who'll rape, kill and plunder for a job they seek...

Several of my friends who see me on ICQ daily ask if im EVER offline...it's not that i love being online...in fact these weeks i have this abhorance to my PC...starin at the monitor day in day out really saps u of energy...i feel that im no longer the fun lovin John no more...ive read articles of how ppl feel moody and depressed when they're out of work...i can thoroughly understand their plight...here i am...literally BEGGING for the job i want...yet they refuse to seek an audience with me coz of my non-existant portfolio...sometimes i wished Singapore sold guns...it's so easy to end my misery...a Glock to my head...and BAM!...another one bites the dust...

But no...im a realist...but im also a hardened individual...the bullshit ive had to go through in the last 5 years has toughened me...and nothin as trivial as joblessness will get to me...for as long as i stay home for another day...i get to save on petty expenses such as bus fares or meals...yes it hurts to stay indoors...IT REALLY DOES...sometimes i dont know how much more of this crap i can take...my migraines have become more severe...and ive been sleepin so much until i get double visions...that's how much time i have...how free i am...im so bored that I SLEEP TOO MUCH...

Nothin to look forward to but weekend assignments...and the occasional phonecalls from friends do little to lift my spirits...

Oh how i wish my family was more well off....or more understandin...

My $20 a week life goes on....

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